7th Heaven

January 9, 2010 at 11:14 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE: 7th Heaven

NUTSHELL: Gripping 1927 potboiler set in France about an abused, destitute sister who is rescued from the gutter (literally!) by a sewer worker promoted to street washer. Eventually they grow on each other and decide to get married but -oops- it turns out there’s a war on.

GOOD THINGS: Petite flower giver goddess Janet Gaynor and the very large Charles Farrell and his FABULOUS HEAD OF HAIR! I know I will be beaten about the head and neck for this… but I liked the story and characters. I thought it really held up. (For me. Don’t hit or yell!)

BAD THINGS: Sudden tangent into a World War I drama, increasingly unbelieveable plot turns. I was okay when he got promoted to street washer and I was okay when there was suddenly the Hun marching through Paris but when he suddenly is dead, then not dead, then blind but with great sonar and able to navigate the mobbed streets of Paris unerringly, then not blind because of.. I don’t know why… then I had to say, “Hey, that’s just no good!” (Not literally out loud but in my head I said that. Uh huh.)

FEATURES: Absinthe procurement and addiction, old car named Eloise (oh the hilarity!), Ben Bard, a lusty Colonel, munitions babes, snooty relatives, BDSM, David Butler, bread, knives, sewing, religious medals, UNCENSORED XXX UPSKIRT PICS! Yeah I know you think i’m kidding.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Well the whipping parts and the gutter lounging. I was sort of nagged by that after she had been lying there for a half an hour.

NOTABLE: Astonishing 7 story crane shot that makes the Hughes Brothers look like technologically retarded amateurs.

BEST PART: Realizing that the plot device of menfolk hiding the existence of World War I from women was apparently a staple of silent cinema.

BEST LINE: That’s why I’m an atheist. God owes me ten francs!

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

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Entry filed under: Classic, Firebaton review.

7th Heaven (guest) A.I. Artificial Intelligence

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