Saving Silverman (guest)

MOVIE: Saving Silverman

GUEST: Pink

NUTSHELL: Bunch of dorky dudes are living happily in Dorkdum when Silverman hooks up with some psycho controlling superbitch. The buddies, not happy with Silverman’s announcement to marry Satan, plot to save him.

GOOD THINGS: Jack Black and “Coach.” Psycho-Bitch kicking some dork-ass. Iron Pumping Nuns.

BAD THINGS: Everything else.

FEATURES: Grave robbing, kidnapping, faked deaths, Neil Diamond, Idiots singing Neil Diamond songs, kick boxing, beer bongs, male cheerleaders, circus freaks, homosexuality, chicks in bras, nuns working out to some pop-rap tune, & knee slapping slapstick physical comedy that just flopped right on it’s flabby ass.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Butt implants and an Indian dude singing Neil Diamond.

NOTABLE: Well, hard to say what was more ‘noteable’ my lack of interest or my ‘date’s’ stupid nasal laugh.

BEST PART: Jack Black kissing R. Lee Ermey, yes, you heard me. The dude from Full Metal Jacket.

BEST LINE: I’m gay.” “Me too.

CROWNS: 2 out of 5

Harry Potter & the Chamber Of Secrets (guest)

MOVIE: Harry Potter & the Chamber Of Secrets

GUEST: Pink

NUTSHELL: Harry Potter and friends save everyone’s ass, again.

GOOD THINGS: It’s pretty to look at.

BAD THINGS: It’s the same goddamn movie as the first one!

FEATURES: Harry has a 5 o’clock shadow.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Being caught watching this movie.

NOTABLE: Let’s hear it for all those deviants who ripped this movie from their screener DVDs and put it on Kazaa. Thank you, I didn’t waste 10 bucks on a ticket for a night of deja vu.

BEST PART: Nothing really jumps out at me. I kinda liked the tree beating the shit out of the car.

BEST LINE: Harry says: “You’re a fraud.” Then Lockhart says: “My books wouldn’t have been sold so much if people didn’t think it that I have done all this.” See, this is funny because…

CROWNS: 1 out of 5

Hannibal (guest)

MOVIE: Hannibal

GUEST: Pink

NUTSHELL: Hannibal, the brilliant cannibal psycho mass murderer is back to fuck with everyone. Add in a psycho victim of his that survived and the fed he bought, an Italian looking for a quick buck, Starling in trouble, and some yummy eats.

GOOD THINGS: Everything

BAD THINGS: Nothing.

FEATURES: Twists, turns, gore, giant killer hogs, disembowelment, eatin” brains, guns!, Gucci shoes, love, blood, amazing scenery, and KICK ASS MUSIC. (Hans is my personal god.)

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Gee, everything? This movie is scary, gross and REALLY GOOD. It’s graphic but no so much as to be silly. One of the best is a certain hand-chopping-off at the end.

NOTABLE: Ray Liotta. He does a really great job in this and it’ll probably be overlooked in the grand scheme of things

BEST PART: ONE of the best parts is the Italian Cop’s fate. Or or or when Hannibal answered a phone call from Starling and she wasn’t expecting it… or or or… When the Italian cop’s wife was reading Dante, or or or… JUST GO SEE IT.

BEST LINE: Would be MINE! When the lights came up, the applause died down and everyone stood to leave… I jumped up and announced that I was STARVING and wanted to go eat ASAP. I will treasure the looks I got for the rest of my life. (And I really was hungry, damn it.) But from the movie I’ll choose: “On the related subject I must confess to you… I am giving very serious thought… to eating your wife.”

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

Death to Smoochy (guest)

MOVIE: Death To Smoochy

GUEST: Pink

NUTSHELL: Someone wrote it better than me: “In the cutthroat world of children’s television, Rainbow Randolph, the corrupt, costumed star of a popular children’s TV show, is fired over a bribery scandal and replaced by squeaky-clean Smoochy, a puffy fuschia rhinoceros. As Smoochy catapults to fame – scoring hit ratings and the affections of a jaded network executive, Randolph makes the unsuspecting rhino the target of his numerous outrageous attempts to exact revenge and reclaim his status as America’s sweetheart.”

GOOD THINGS: Rated R goofy

BAD THINGS: No nudity :(

FEATURES: Lots of good old fashioned cursing

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: There is a funeral (not a spolier, this is given away in the first shot) and it’s almost weepy. Thankfully it ends with a good line to laugh at.

NOTABLE: Sheldon the sorta-retard. He steals the show.

BEST PART: Rainbow Randolph coming out of jail through a crowd of reporters OR the Cock Cookies

BEST LINE: It’s so hard to pick just one line, so I’ll use three: “Heil Smoochy!” or “You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I’m not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I’m goin’ on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!” or “I cleaned up, all right…cleaned up half the poppies in Asia.”

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

The Bourne Identity (guest)

MOVIE:  The Bourne Identity

GUEST:  Pink

NUTSHELL:  Man has no idea who he is or why he can kick ass.

GOOD THINGS:  The action parts were entertaining. Franka Potente rocks.

BAD THINGS:  The movie waves at the book for a second then goes off into “What the fuck?” land really fast. Tony Gilroy, the shithead writer. Yeah, Tony, you suck (but not for the first time, ya butcher).

FEATURES:  Car chases, kicking ass, mini love story

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Me growling loud enough to get “shhhhhed!” at a certian part that deviates from the entire idea/concept of the original books so badly that I am almost personally offended by it. Ludlum must be spinning in his fresh grave.

NOTABLE:  They didn’t leave much there for a sequel, unlike the books. There are three of them, yanno. Sadly, the movie is so unlike the books it just is not possible to keep up what would have been a great series of movies. Fuckers.

BEST PART:  Bourne trying to get Marie to take him for a drive. Cute scene.

BEST LINE:  We got a bump coming up.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5