Chicago (guest 2)

Movie:  Chicago

Guest :  Alpha Zebra

Nutshell:  Ambitious girl winds up in hot water over death of lover, takes full advantage of situation from behind bars.

Good Things:  Academy Award nominees Renee Zellweger and Queen Latifah, Academy Award winner Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rob Marshall’s brilliant adaptation of the musical, John C. Reilly singing Mr. Cellophane, music, costumes, choreography, dancing, art production, cinematography….

Bad Things:  None I can think of

Features:  Actors not known for musicals stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park

Uncomfortable Moments:  The girl I saw this movie with seething with envy over everything about the delicious dish that IS Renee Zellweger

Notable:  Queen Latifah stealing the show with her big number, then John C. Reilly stealing the show with “Mr. Cellophane”

Best Part:  Renee Z. playing mannequin on Richard Gere’s lap for the press -that is a difficult thing to pull off well, and the two of them were transcendent.

Best Line:  “When you’re strokin’ Mama…. MAMA’S strokin’ you!”

Crowns:  5 out of 5

Dazed and Confused (guest)

MOVIE:  Dazed and Confused

GUEST:  XGirl2000

NUTSHELL:  Teens smoke pot, drink beer and cruise around Austin, Texas, looking for a party on the last day of high school, 1976.

GOOD THINGS:  Wiley Wiggins as awkward teenage boy, Parker Posey sending up the high school bitch, a pre-irritating Ben Affleck playing a fat bully, and especially Matthew McConaughey. He is so fab in this movie, that I’ll forever forgive him for all the crap he’s done since.

BAD THINGS:  Absolutely nothing. I worship this film.

FEATURES:  Everyone is in this movie – McConaughey, Posey, Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Anthony Rapp, Milla Jovovich, the London brother who wasn’t on Party of Five, Cole Hauser, Adam Goldberg, Rory Cochrane (who is suprisingly playing a forensic scientist on the Miami CSI – who would’ve thunk it!). Apparently, even Renee Zellweger is in this flick, but I’ve seen it about 900 times and, even though she’s in the credits, I still can’t find her anywhere.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The keg delivery getting squelched. Parents answering the door to partygoers who don’t know the party’s off. Adam Goldberg picking a fight with Nicky Katt, getting beat up, then crying about it.

NOTABLE:  A movie so much like my high school experience (sans Texas and the hazing) it scares me. In fact, I once went out with a guy who was just like Wooderson. Thanks to his prediliction for young high school girls, he earned the nickname Joven, Spanish for “yo

BEST PART:  Everything – driving around town aimlessly, as you search for the next party spot, the bitchin’ Camero cruising into the school parking lot to the opening chords of “Sweet Emotion,” Wiley Wiggins buying beer, Parker Posey, and Wooderson, Wooderson, Wooderson. Really, what the f-happened to Matthew McConaughey after this movie? Someone please give him some career guidance.

BEST LINE:  There are so many, it’s hard to pick one, so here are a few: Simmone – “Fry you little piggies, fry!” Darla – “OK all you freshman bitches!” Wooderson – “That’s what I love these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” Wooderson – “There’s a new fiesta in the making as we speak.” Wooderson – “I love them redheads…” Wooderson to Mitch – “Say man, you got a joint?” “No, not on me man.” “Well, it’d be a lot cooler if you did…” Darla – “Miss Hotstuff, I’m going to make the next year of your life a living hell. Lick me! All of you!”

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Finding Nemo (guest)

MOVIE:  Finding Nemo

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Big fish eat little fish… unless they’re in a 12-step program.

GOOD THINGS:  Incredibly detailed scenery, fluid animation, sharks needing interventions, short-term memory loss jokes that made this movie MUCH funnier than “Memento” (wait, that wasn’t a comedy…)

BAD THINGS:  Constant peril

FEATURES:  Al Brooks, Willem Defoe, Ellen DeGeneres (no, I will NOT make a cheap joke about tuna), X-treme-sports-loving turtles, World War Two relics, headgear

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The barracuda

NOTABLE:  A Disney/Pixar film without a heartwarming song by Randy Newman? WTF? And what happened to the outtake reel?

BEST PART:  Bruce fails to cope with temptation.

BEST LINE:  Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

High Plains Drifter (guest)

MOVIE:  High Plains Drifter

GUEST:  Sues 57

NUTSHELL:  The Man with No Name rides into the town of Lago, and is convinced by the (rotten) townspeople to defend them against soon-to-be-relased-from-jail outlaws.

GOOD THINGS:  Clint Eastwood, great black comedy, surreal weirdness, cool midget mayor/sheriff, Clint paints the town red.

BAD THINGS:  It’s all pretty good.

FEATURES:  Clint Eastwood

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  *Very* politically incorrect rape

NOTABLE:  Eastwood’s directorial debut

BEST PART:  WHO ARE YOU?????

BEST LINE:  “I have paying hotel guests, where are they going to go?”  “Out.”

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Quiet American (guest)

MOVIE:  The Quiet American

GUEST:  XGirl2000

NUTSHELL:  Amid the chaos of the French-Indochinese war, Michael Caine figures out that the young, American doctor who’s fallen for Caine’s young, Vietnamese mistress isn’t who he says he is.

GOOD THINGS:  Vietnamese landscape… pretty, Asian-French-influenced ’50s-era dresses… and perhaps my fave actor, Michael Caine – we should all become more like Alfie.

BAD THINGS:  The French. Also, I would usually put Brendan Fraser here, but you know what? He wasn’t too bad in this… of course, it probably helps that from the first scene, you know he’s going to die.

FEATURES:  Action, excitement, international intrigue, spies, mean sisters, love triangles, taxi dancers and Encino Man getting shanked as if he were in an episode of Oz – what more could you want in a movie?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Michael Caine kissing a girl young enough to be his granddaughter (I guess that’s the point though). Caine losing his dignity and crying in a men’s bathroom stall. And most disturbingly, the many shots of war/ bomb destruction, including landscapes filled

NOTABLE:  From what I understand, Miramax was hesitant, post-9/11, to put out a flick that was critical of American foreign policy and Caine had to fight to get this film out there. It’s damn good, so you better go see it.

BEST PART:  Michael Caine, Michael Caine, Michael Caine. I mean, this man is good in schlock. Go see him in something really great.

BEST LINE:  I can’t remember exactly what the line was, but after Encino Man meets the mean sister of Caine’s mistress, he says something like your sister’s nice. Caine’s reply: She’s an angel. Or something like that.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (guest)

MOVIE:  Once Upon a Time in Mexico

GUEST:  Philly Mo Dee

NUTSHELL:  El Mariachi 3: This Time It’s Personal. Or is it Back in Training? I always forget what the third one is supposed to be. (Return of the Mariachi? – Ed.)

GOOD THINGS:  Johnny Depp (besides bangin’ Wynona, has he ever really made a bad move?), just the perfect amount of Salma

BAD THINGS:  Special Effects seemed to have been designed by the same guys who make the firecrackers you get in TJ. Not enough of that hot chick from The Fast and the Furious, Antonio kinda looks like fat Elvis in some scenes

FEATURES:  Johnny Depp, Antonio, Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, Julio’s boy, Eva Mendes, Cheech, Salma, Ruben Blades, and I’m pretty sure I saw my gardener in more than one scene

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Mickey Rourke (playing the role of an effete Randall Tex Cobb) just a little too close and personal with his Chihuahua (I really wish that was a euphamism for something.), Johnny Depp’s third arm, Don’t even. The whole eye thing, also, for the record, I t

NOTABLE:  I saw Beck leaving the theatre as I was on my way in. His date was very attractive, but not the usual unattainable rock star appendage. Let’s give the man some props.

BEST PART:  The trailer for the new Coen Brothers movie who’s name escapes me at the moment. (Ladykillers? – Ed.)

BEST LINE:  I’ll shoot the chef, I parked in the back anyhow. (or something like that)

CROWNS:  2 out of 5

Mystic River (guest)

MOVIE:  Mystic River

GUEST:  J Cole

NUTSHELL:  Three childhood friends come together in later life when the daughter of Sean Penn is kidnapped and murdered. The friends had last been together when the Tim Robbins character was kidnapped and raped by two men and then luckily escaped.

GOOD THINGS:  Where to begin? Penn, Robbins, and Kevin Bacon. I suppose Penn has had better roles but not Robbins or Bacon and they all are brilliant. The setting is working class Boston and you get a real sense of how enclosed such a neighborhood can be. The effect is of a stage and the world outside of it ceases to exist. You soon come to understand how things work in this world and then you are free to speculate as to who the killer is. It is impossible not to become absorbed in the life of the movie.

BAD THINGS:  Really hard to say. I suppose I could invent a criticism if I really tried but I feel no need to do so.

FEATURES:  Eastwood directed and it’s amazing how the associations we have with him regarding violence finds its true face in this movie.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  There is a confrontation between Penn and Robbins that is so absorbing that you feel trapped in the movie house and powerless to affect what you know is coming. If feeling emotion is uncomfortable, this is uncomfortable.

NOTABLE:  Even the minor characters fit perfectly, especially the wife of the Robbins character. She is put in an impossible postion and does what she thinks is right and pays dearly for doing just that.

BEST PART:  At the end of the movie when you have sort of gathered yourself, there is a scene with Bacon and Penn that assures you that nothing has been resolved. The evil that originally drove the events is still exerting its influence even after what could be called a resoltion. They are all trapped by the past and have no other recourse put to continue to play their roles.

BEST LINE:  If you tell me the truth I won’t kill you.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

The Matrix Reloaded (guest)

MOVIE:  The Matrix Reloaded

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Hi-KEEBA!

GOOD THINGS:  A little more of a sense of fun than the original, Woo-Ping Yeun’s fight choreography, learning more about how the Matrix works and why Neo is who he is

BAD THINGS:  They should have spent more time on developing some of the characters and less time on the underground church service/rave party. There’s a very deus ex machina scene towards the end that wasn’t even necessary. This movie attracted a lot of weirdos to the theatre. And no Joey Pants!

FEATURES:  Kung Fu, freeway fu, clone fu, lots of Zen, plot holes

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Keanu’s butt (Dammit now I have to go see it. – Ed.)

NOTABLE:  Bullet time may have become a cliché in the last four years, but the Wachowskis and Woo-Ping Yuen can still put a good action sequence together.

BEST PART:  Smith becomes an army of one.

BEST LINE:  It’s like wiping your ass with silk.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (guest)

MOVIE:  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  The free people of Middle Earth brace themselves for the next assault by Sauron’s forces of Mordor, as Frodo draws closer to his destiny. (WTF? – Ed.)

GOOD THINGS:  Ian McKellen, Liv “Most Beautiful Woman EVER” Tyler, Hugo “Agent Smith” Weaving, Andy Serkis, John Rhys-Davies

BAD THINGS:  Too much dénouement.

FEATURES:  Medieval mortal combat, Sam gets to kick a little Orc ass. Crazy dads who try to burn their sons alive. Dragons, Eagles, Dirt

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Creepy spider, although for some reason, I couldn’t help but think about Tobey Maguire during that scene.

NOTABLE:  Elephants weren’t a good idea for Hannibal, and olyphants really weren’t such a hot idea for Sauron’s army, either. You’ll see what I mean.

BEST PART:  Legolas kicks some serious ass on the olyphant.

BEST LINE:  That still only counts as one!

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

X2 (guest)

MOVIE:  X2

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Bigotry is bad, and teenagers are impetuous.

GOOD THINGS:  Less back-story this time around, more superhero stuff

BAD THINGS:  Sorry, still no Gambit.

FEATURES:  Rebecca Romaine Lettuce, Capt. Picard — I mean — Parick Stewart, gratuitious Anna Paquin cleavage (I’m going to hell). One of the main characters dies, at least until the sequel.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Bathroom stall sex. (Ewwww. – Ed.)

NOTABLE:  Rebecca Romijn-Stamos gets to appear in this film as herself, instead of covered in scaly blue makeup.

BEST PART:  Wolverine goes on an ass-kicking tear at the prep school.

BEST LINE:  “What are you a proffesor of?”  “Art.”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5