Finding Nemo (guest)

MOVIE:  Finding Nemo

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Big fish eat little fish… unless they’re in a 12-step program.

GOOD THINGS:  Incredibly detailed scenery, fluid animation, sharks needing interventions, short-term memory loss jokes that made this movie MUCH funnier than “Memento” (wait, that wasn’t a comedy…)

BAD THINGS:  Constant peril

FEATURES:  Al Brooks, Willem Defoe, Ellen DeGeneres (no, I will NOT make a cheap joke about tuna), X-treme-sports-loving turtles, World War Two relics, headgear

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The barracuda

NOTABLE:  A Disney/Pixar film without a heartwarming song by Randy Newman? WTF? And what happened to the outtake reel?

BEST PART:  Bruce fails to cope with temptation.

BEST LINE:  Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Matrix Reloaded (guest)

MOVIE:  The Matrix Reloaded

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Hi-KEEBA!

GOOD THINGS:  A little more of a sense of fun than the original, Woo-Ping Yeun’s fight choreography, learning more about how the Matrix works and why Neo is who he is

BAD THINGS:  They should have spent more time on developing some of the characters and less time on the underground church service/rave party. There’s a very deus ex machina scene towards the end that wasn’t even necessary. This movie attracted a lot of weirdos to the theatre. And no Joey Pants!

FEATURES:  Kung Fu, freeway fu, clone fu, lots of Zen, plot holes

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Keanu’s butt (Dammit now I have to go see it. – Ed.)

NOTABLE:  Bullet time may have become a cliché in the last four years, but the Wachowskis and Woo-Ping Yuen can still put a good action sequence together.

BEST PART:  Smith becomes an army of one.

BEST LINE:  It’s like wiping your ass with silk.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (guest)

MOVIE:  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  The free people of Middle Earth brace themselves for the next assault by Sauron’s forces of Mordor, as Frodo draws closer to his destiny. (WTF? – Ed.)

GOOD THINGS:  Ian McKellen, Liv “Most Beautiful Woman EVER” Tyler, Hugo “Agent Smith” Weaving, Andy Serkis, John Rhys-Davies

BAD THINGS:  Too much dénouement.

FEATURES:  Medieval mortal combat, Sam gets to kick a little Orc ass. Crazy dads who try to burn their sons alive. Dragons, Eagles, Dirt

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Creepy spider, although for some reason, I couldn’t help but think about Tobey Maguire during that scene.

NOTABLE:  Elephants weren’t a good idea for Hannibal, and olyphants really weren’t such a hot idea for Sauron’s army, either. You’ll see what I mean.

BEST PART:  Legolas kicks some serious ass on the olyphant.

BEST LINE:  That still only counts as one!

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

X2 (guest)

MOVIE:  X2

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Bigotry is bad, and teenagers are impetuous.

GOOD THINGS:  Less back-story this time around, more superhero stuff

BAD THINGS:  Sorry, still no Gambit.

FEATURES:  Rebecca Romaine Lettuce, Capt. Picard — I mean — Parick Stewart, gratuitious Anna Paquin cleavage (I’m going to hell). One of the main characters dies, at least until the sequel.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Bathroom stall sex. (Ewwww. – Ed.)

NOTABLE:  Rebecca Romijn-Stamos gets to appear in this film as herself, instead of covered in scaly blue makeup.

BEST PART:  Wolverine goes on an ass-kicking tear at the prep school.

BEST LINE:  “What are you a proffesor of?”  “Art.”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Daredevil (guest)

MOVIE:  Daredevil

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  After an accident blinds Hell’s Kitchen street urchin Matt Murdock while endowing him with super powers, he sets out to fight for the downtrodden, whether as a lawyer representing down-on-their luck clients, or as maroon leather jumpsuit-wearing martial arts ass-kicker Daredevil. Oh yeah, and some bad guys killed his dad, but that goes without saying.

GOOD THINGS:  Jennifer Garner and leather halter tops, Kevin Smith cameo, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan as “The Kingpin,” the Kingpin’s wardrobe

BAD THINGS:  Casting Joe Pantoliano as the reporter was kind of a waste. Couldn’t they have found something more interesting for him to do? If you’re going to use wires so your actors can jump from rooftop to rooftop without having to use stunt people or CGI, that’s great, but try and be more realistic — instead of flying Jennifer Garner in for a soft landing, have her thud loudly into the roof. Her character can’t fly like Superman, you know.

FEATURES:  Jon Favreau, David Keith, Joey Pants, Stan Lee cameo, Oh yeah, and Ben Affleck

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Bullseye’s plane ride

NOTABLE:  A lot of Marvel Comics in-jokes. I didn’t realize I was that much of a comics nerd.

BEST PART:  Matt Murdock pulls the ol’ switcharoo on his law partner before going to hit on Jennifer Garner

BEST LINE:  TIE: “I’m looking for some honey.” and “I want a bloody costume!”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

BRUCE ALMIGHTY * (guest)

MOVIE:  BRUCE ALMIGHTY *

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Taking a break from such weighty roles as in “The Truman Show,” “Man on the Moon,” and “The Majestic,” Jim Carrey stretches himself as an actor by giving a rubber-faced, Jerry-Lewis-like performance.

GOOD THINGS:  Morgan Freeman, Steven Carell, Jennifer Aniston, News reporter on-air meltdowns (something near and dear to my heart), Barry White music

BAD THINGS:  Professionally, I’m bothered by the ethical implications of using one’s omnipotence to send colleagues to prison for possession of massive amounts drugs.

FEATURES:  Niagra Falls. The astrophysical implications of drawing the moon closer to the earth. The Buffalo Sabres winning the Stanley Cup?? (If they really wanted to depict an act of God, they should have had the Bills winning the Super Bowl…)

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Bruce tries to use his God power to get his girlfriend to take him back.

NOTABLE:  Astonishingly, this movie features one of the more accurate depictions of a TV news room since “Broadcast News.”

BEST PART:  The butt monkey!

BEST LINE:  Back to you, fuckers!

CROWNS:  4 1/2 out of 5

*(It just works better in all caps) 

Spider-Man (guest)

MOVIE:  Spider-Man

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Dorky high schooler Peter Parker gets bitten by genetically enhanced spider and transforms into your friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man.

GOOD THINGS:  Tobey Maguire, the babe-alicious Kirsten Dunst, cameo appearance by Bruce Campbell (WHAT?!! – Ed.), cameo appearance by Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Willem Dafoe plays the best super-villain since Jack Nicholson’s Joker in “Batman.”

BAD THINGS:  Dafoe in the Green Goblin mask. What’s up with that? Dafoe LOOKS like a goblin, so why hide his features behind a cartoonish mask?

FEATURES:  Kirsten Dunst in a wet, clingy outfit. Teen angst. Lots of CGI action, but the transfer from flesh-and-blood actors and stuntmen to CGI f/x is almost seamless.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  As far as the movie itself is concerned, none. But since it was a sold-out show, I had to sit next to a complete stranger. That kind of creeped me out a little.

NOTABLE:  One of the few movies I’ve been to where people actually broke into applause at the end.

BEST PART:  TIE: Peter Parker uses his newly discovered spider power to turn the tables on high-school bully Flash Thompson and Spider-Man and Mary Jane’s upside-down, rain soaked smooch scene.

BEST LINE:  Don’t mind us. She just needs to use the elevator.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Scorpion King (guest)

MOVIE: The Scorpion King

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: The Mummy: Episode I: Attack of the Rock. Okay, not really.

GOOD THINGS: It’s only about 90 minutes long. Most of the fight scenes are good, especially the one in the cave during the sandstorm.

BAD THINGS: The script, the direction, and performances, all which fail to take full advantage of The Rock’s potential to be a tongue-in-cheek action hero.

FEATURES: Kelly Hu always almost naked. Michael Clarke Duncan being a bad-assed Nubian king. CGI fireants. Sandstorms. The city of Gamorrah as the evil King Memnon’s home base.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: More than 80 percent of the dialogue.

NOTABLE: The Rock gets at least one chance to do that “People’s Eyebrow” thing he does on Smackdown, Raw, and all those other WWF shows.

BEST PART: The Rock and Michael Clarke Duncan launch into a sword fight and immediately break their swords, so it quickly degenerates into wrestling match, which is what we all really want to see the The Rock do, anyway.

BEST LINE: You mean this movie had a script? Look, I know The Rock has potential. He’s been on Saturday Night Live at least twice and he’s been REALLY FUNNY, but that’s when he has real comedy writers to benefit him. This movie should have been campy fun, like a 90-minute episode of Xena, but instead it comes off as something destined to be lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000 (if only that show were still on the air).

CROWNS: 2 out of 5

Red Dragon (guest)

MOVIE: Red Dragon

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Silence of the Lambs: Episode I: The Phantom Cannibal.” No, not really. Based on Thomas Harris’ FIRST novel featuring Hannibal Lecter, this movie is made in the style of “Silence of the Lambs,” creating a much moodier film than 1986’s “Manhunter,” which was more like “Hannibal Lecter meets Miami Vice.

GOOD THINGS: Anthony Hopkins and his gourmet flair, Ed Norton, Anthony Heald reprising his weasely portrayal of Dr. Frederick Chilton, and Ralph Fiennes as Number One Whack Job Francis Dolarhyde.

BAD THINGS: I hate to list it as a bad thing, because his performance was first-rate, but I just don’t buy Harvey Keitel as straight-up G-man Jack Crawford. Maybe I’ve seen him too often in films like “Pulp Fiction,” “Reservoir Dogs,” and “Bad Lieutenant.”

FEATURES: The same sets as “Silence,” the same screenwriter as “Silence,” some of the same actors in secondary and even tertiary roles (Chilton and Barney) as in “Silence,” and that’s the first time I have EVER used the word “tertiary” in conversation.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Um, just about everything dealing with Francis Dolarhyde’s crimes. Compared to him, Hannibal Lecter can only be considered a tad odd.

NOTABLE: Seriously, Dolarhyde is the most messed-up character Thomas Harris has ever created. Removing people’s organs and serving them up at a dinner party for art patrons is an absolute giggle compared to what this guy does to his victims.

BEST PART: Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party. Yum!

BEST LINE: To be honest, I was too creeped out to remember any. Pretty much all of Hopkins’ lines were the best. Hannibal Lecter is just a quote-generating machine.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5 fava beans and a nice Chianti!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (guest)

MOVIE: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Ethnic girl shocks family by falling in love with a WASP with bad hair.

GOOD THINGS: Parthenon jokes, ouzo jokes, SCTV’s Andrea Martin… if only they could have found a role for Joe Flaherty, but this was a movie about a Greek family, not an Irish one.

BAD THINGS: Stuffy WASPs. We’re not all THAT bad, honest! (Oh you are SO! – Ed.)

FEATURES: Greek pride in being the inventors of civilization. A bunch of people I mostly have never heard of… reviewers who end sentences with prepositions.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Female facial hair jokes. LOOK, I’M JUST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT, OKAY?

NOTABLE: Other themes that work: My Big Fat Italian Wedding, My Big Fat Irish Wedding, My Big Fat Caribbean Wedding, My Big Fat Cajun Wedding. Curiously enough, My Big Fat Canadian Wedding just doesn’t sound as interesting.

BEST PART: Lead character’s family gets in-laws-to-be drunk on ouzo. Been there, and it ain’t pretty.

BEST LINE: “Nice boobs” (subtitled)

CROWNS: 5 out of 5