Once Upon a Time in Mexico (guest)

MOVIE:  Once Upon a Time in Mexico

GUEST:  Philly Mo Dee

NUTSHELL:  El Mariachi 3: This Time It’s Personal. Or is it Back in Training? I always forget what the third one is supposed to be. (Return of the Mariachi? – Ed.)

GOOD THINGS:  Johnny Depp (besides bangin’ Wynona, has he ever really made a bad move?), just the perfect amount of Salma

BAD THINGS:  Special Effects seemed to have been designed by the same guys who make the firecrackers you get in TJ. Not enough of that hot chick from The Fast and the Furious, Antonio kinda looks like fat Elvis in some scenes

FEATURES:  Johnny Depp, Antonio, Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, Julio’s boy, Eva Mendes, Cheech, Salma, Ruben Blades, and I’m pretty sure I saw my gardener in more than one scene

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Mickey Rourke (playing the role of an effete Randall Tex Cobb) just a little too close and personal with his Chihuahua (I really wish that was a euphamism for something.), Johnny Depp’s third arm, Don’t even. The whole eye thing, also, for the record, I t

NOTABLE:  I saw Beck leaving the theatre as I was on my way in. His date was very attractive, but not the usual unattainable rock star appendage. Let’s give the man some props.

BEST PART:  The trailer for the new Coen Brothers movie who’s name escapes me at the moment. (Ladykillers? – Ed.)

BEST LINE:  I’ll shoot the chef, I parked in the back anyhow. (or something like that)

CROWNS:  2 out of 5

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (guest)

MOVIE: Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers

GUEST: Philly Mo Dee

NUTSHELL: We finally get to see the Death Star battle hacked off at the end of the first Lord of The Rings Movie. Hobbits, midgets, weird people & Liv Tyler battle evil or just try to survive or are camping in a bad forest or something. I’m really not sure.

GOOD THINGS: Better than the first one. Apparent close adhesion to the books the movies were based on.

BAD THINGS: People in the audience are more geeky than any trekkie I’ve ever met.

FEATURES: More CGI than a Star Wars prequel, but these drones have feelings!

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Audience members wearing hobbit ears. Liv Tyler wearing hobbit ears.

NOTABLE: This movie’s fans make trekkies almost look cool.

BEST PART: Implication of human/hobbit cross-species love.

BEST LINE: By another audience member, about another moviegoer wearing hobbit ears: “Let’s piss him off and call him Spock!”

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

Chicago (guest)

MOVIE: Chicago

GUEST: Philly Mo Dee

NUTSHELL: Women behaving badly behind bars, tabloid journalism, jury manipulation – all done to a beat you can dance to.

GOOD THINGS: Everything. Catherine Zeta-Jones (who I hate) is scary good. Awesome jailhouse tango.

BAD THINGS: Richard Gere can also sing & dance. It just doesn’t seem fair.

FEATURES: The aforementioned Gere & CZ-T, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah, Mya, John C. (or is it Michael?) Reilly, and just the right amount of Lucy Liu. More sequins, flappers, and sass than you can shake a rainbow flag at. I’m fairly certain a lot of ginchyness.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: I’m totally straight and I’m raving about a musical.

NOTABLE: Finally, someone has learned how to film a dance number.

BEST PART: Jailhouse tango

BEST LINE: If Jesus Christ had met me and had had $5000.00 let’s just say things would’ve turned out different.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5 crowns and a big gay snap

About Schmidt (guest)

MOVIE: About Schmidt

GUEST: Philly Mo Dee

NUTSHELL: After years of marraige, Jack Nicholson realises his wife ain’t Helen Hunt. He gets sad and spends hours driving in search of something along the way to his daughter’s wedding.

GOOD THINGS: Trailer dinner party. An unseen African orphan. No Sally Struthers. Kathy Bates screaming at someone off camera. Fun with waterbeds.

BAD THINGS: The road trip from Omaha to Denver seemed to be shot in real time. Wedding sequence and overall slice of Midwest life: Bleak Bleak Bleak.

FEATURES: Jack. Kathy Bates. Unrecognizeable Howard Hesseman. The chick from Next Stop Wonderland, one of those Dylan, Dermott, DB twins, and the nastiest mullet this side of Billy Ray Cyrus or for that matter, Billie Jean King (maybe even DB Sweeney).

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Kathy Bates naked. Dermot Mulroney’s mullet.

NOTABLE: Kathy Bates has the audacity to be naked! Jack Nicholson actually playing someone sixty-six! Just Like Easy Rider, only there’s no Peter Fonda, Hippies, Motorcycles, or anything remotely cool.

BEST PART: It ended.

BEST LINE: Life is short Ngutu, and I’ve got to make every moment count.

CROWNS: 2 out of 5