The One (guest)

MOVIE: The One

GUEST: Dan Conderman

NUTSHELL: A dude in 1 universe kills himself in all the other universes – 123 to be exact. Each time he does, he gets stronger. But the last one of him is strong too. So it’s a battle to see who will be “The One”… Oh GOD, this sounds bad already, doesnt it?

GOOD THINGS: Matrix-like special effects are pretty cool. Watching people get beaten with motorcycles is pretty cool too.

BAD THINGS: Dialogue – what there is of it – is dumb and overly dramatic. You can pretty much write the whole thing on a good-sized cocktail napkin.

FEATURES: Jet Li, Jet Li, that girl from “Son in Law” and a bunch of other schmucks

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: When i figured out the plot before they told it. And then they give it to you like you didn’t already figure it out.

NOTABLE: Obviosly written about 10 seconds after “The Matrix” came out. And probably took about 10 seconds to write.

BEST PART: Well, the whole thing was filled with some pretty tight fight scenes.

BEST LINE: Hmmm… not enough lines to pick from.

CROWNS: 2.5 out of 5

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (guest)

MOVIE: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

GUEST: Dan Conderman

NUTSHELL: Jay and Silent Bob on a road trip to stop the movie based on their comic book from being made.

GOOD THINGS: Alot of View Askew characters. Dick and Fart jokes. Ripping on all the crapcan flicks that Matt Damon has been in.

 BAD THINGS: Not all the past characters are in it. Missing TS, Fat William, the Svening Family, the Last Zion, and more.

FEATURES: Dick and fart jokes and inside jokes from past movies.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Jay not knowing what the internet is. Come on… Not even Jay could not know that.

NOTABLE: If you are not a big fan of the first 3 movies you will probably not get as much enjoyment from this movie as you should. Watch them first, then go see this installment. Some actors have dual roles, and it seems a little goofy once in awhile.

BEST PART: Mark Hamill as “Cock Knocker”, The nun has adopted the “Buddy Christ” as her symbol for Jesus, Seeing old charcters from the past movies adding into this story, and in away adding footnotes to those past movies

BEST LINE: Guy at Quick stop to Dante: Are you supposed to be here today? and Baby Jay: Fuck! Fuck!

CROWNS: 5 out of 5 crowns if you know the series, 3 out of 5 if you’ve never watched them.

The Fast and the Furious (guest)

MOVIE:  Fast and the Furious, The

GUEST:  Dan Conderman

NUTSHELL:  Lots of fast souped-up import cars. Running from the cops, running from evil asians. Some sexy stuff, but only PG-13 stuff.

GOOD THINGS:  Loud, very loud roaring engines. Races so intense you forget to breathe (HONEST!).

BAD THINGS:  They had to throw in a dorky guy for comic relief. Damn I hate that. A group of cool car guys would kick the dork’s ass – not have him as a team mate. Evil asians.

FEATURES:  Mexicans, Blacks, Asians, and Cars. Also great shots of what L.A. is really like.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Evil Asians, it was just a huge stereotype.

NOTABLE:  American Car is proven to be cooler than Imports (in a movie full of haul ass imports).

BEST PART:  Everything.

BEST LINE:  I owe you a ten-second car.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5 crowns easy (I would toss in more for the Testosterone factor.)

 

Clerks (guest)

MOVIE: Clerks

GUEST: Dan Conderman

NUTSHELL: 2 guys (Dante and Randall) run a Video Store and a Convenience store, and badly I might add. Everything that can go wrong for them does.

GOOD THINGS: Jay and Silent Bob are born. Lots of great one liners and conversation openers. (I use this material all the time to sound witty.) Good tunes. Black and White – yes this is a film, not a flick.

BAD THINGS: Slow in spots. Dante repeating “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

FEATURES: Kevin Smith’s Genius, smokers, sluts, freaks, nerds, bad employees… all the things that make America great.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Dante getting a ticket for selling cigs to a child and being told he could not contest it in any court of law – that sucked for Dante.

NOTABLE: Jay and Silent Bob, of course!

BEST PART: Dante finding out his girlfriend “Snowballed” William

BEST LINE: “Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot….” ( a man follows) “HEY YOU! GET BACK HERE!” (HAHAAHAHAHA! – ed.)

CROWNS: 4 out of 5 crowns (slowness in parts sunk it)