A.I. Artificial Intelligence

January 9, 2010 at 11:17 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE: A.I. Artificial Intelligence

NUTSHELL: Have we talked about how much I love Haley Joel Osment before? Because I really do. It used to be that there were two things that were my favorite things in movies: two-fisted gunplay and people crashing through plate glass windows. Now I’ve added to my list of favorite things that scared/freaked out look that Haley Joel Osment gets in every movie. It’s like the DeNiro slow burn to me except he is so precious, don’t you think? He is just preciousest of the precious. Of course since he’s successful everyone wants to make fun of him and his big vocabulary and says that he’ll do a Culkin and wind up on heroin talking to Danny Bonaduce on some recovery special. But I really have two theories about Haley Joel Osment. One is that he will do what the kid from Dick Tracy did and get bored of acting and turn out to be a brainiac and be a rocket physicist for NASA or some NASAy type place. Of course, Charlie Korsmo always acted for shit so I’m thinking maybe my second theory is more likely, which is that Haley Joel Osment will go to Harvard or some such fancy place that when you mention he went there everyone goes “Oooh!” and then he’ll come back to acting and demand to be called something more butch like “H.J. Osment” or “H. Joel Osment” and he’ll be some insanely talented character actor like Sean Penn only he’ll be so cute still. People also think he’ll lose his looks but you never know what he’ll look like as an adult. And even if he does turn out to be sort of strange looking, look at Ben Affleck. He was a big goon and got his teeth capped and learned to cry on command and now he’s a hearthrob. Heck, I’d pay to see him crash through a plate glass window any day.

GOOD THINGS: Jude Ooh La La Law, super furry animals toy, William Hurt being a maniac again

BAD THINGS: Just a whole mess of meanies. Bummer about the meanies. No one should ever be mean to Haley Joel Osment even if he is some mechanical apparatus and no one should ever break up with Owen Wilson – two things that make me go “OH THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN!” in movies. Also this movie has the “Point Break” disease where it keeps ending like when it sort of peters out and then they go “THEN DURING THE TRIAL…” OR “THEN WHEN THEY MET AGAIN THIS ONE TIME IN AUSTRALIA” or in this case: “THEN AFTER 2,000 YEARS PASSED…” You probably think i’m kidding about that but go see it, you’ll see.

FEATURES: Documented proof that Steven Spielberg could not make a movie under 2 hours if you held him at knife point

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: That Haley Joel Osment sudden laugh thing seriously freaked me out.

NOTABLE: In the future, the polar ice caps have melted and Manhattan is under water, however, don’t panic – New Jersey has survived.

BEST PART: H. J. O.! H. J. O.! U. S. A! U. S. A.! ATTICA! ATTICA!

BEST LINE: Is it a game?

CROWNS: 3 out of 5 crowns


Entry filed under: Firebaton review, Owen Wilson.

7th Heaven About a Boy

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