Pay It Forward (guest)

MOVIE:  Pay it Forward

GUEST:  Christopher Watkins

NUTSHELL:  A older stupid kid in a younger stupid kid’s body thinks he can save the world by helping out others in hopes they will help others in return.

GOOD THINGS:  It ended… eventually.

BAD THINGS:  Mind-numbingly manipulative emotional drivel. Bad chemistry between Hunt and Spacey. HJOsment going in out out of character inexplicably. Ridiculously hopeful plot. Gut wrenchingly stupid and predictable third act… the worst final scene in any movie in quite a while.

FEATURES:  Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey, Haley Joel Osment, the guy from Frequency… James Caziavielsomething-or-other.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  God awful interaction between Hunt and Spacey when he recounts the events that led to his facial disfigurement. Uncomfortable for the horrific dialogue, not the less than unexpected methods of his scarring.

NOTABLE:  Mimi Leder managed to make a worse film than Deep Impact.

BEST PART:  Jon Bon Jovi being such a bad actor that he cannot possibly ever be cast again.

BEST LINE:  Spacey to Hunt… you complete me… no wait…

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

The Odd Couple (guest)

MOVIE: The Odd Couple

GUEST: Christopher Watkins

NUTSHELL: A successful slob and a neat-freak on a losing streak, already close friends, move in together.

GOOD THINGS: Matthau and Lemmon’s schtick has genuine feelings under all the comedy, setting it apart from the other films of the famous duo. There is a real emphasis on the characters first, and the comedy second.

BAD THINGS: When it wasn’t just Lemmon/Matthau, the movie bogs down a bit. The spots with their poker friends came off a little forced and over-rehearsed. Suicide humor is fine for me, but may bother some.

FEATURES: Lemmon, Matthau, and other actors who I’m sure are fine, but I don’t know their names. Two hilariously stupid giggler English chicks.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Lemmon pouring his heart out to the above-mentioned girls. Matthau’s character pulling no punches in outwardly sexually harrassing a waitress.

NOTABLE: Too bad that comedies with real feeling backing the story have been replaced by teenagers who cannot act playing around with human and animal bodily fluids. Matthau desperately wanted to play the role of Felix, but Neil Simon wouldn’t have it.

BEST PART: Dinner with the pidgeon sisters. A 5 or so minute scene with no dialogue where Oscar and Felix silently piss each other off, playing off what each knows angers the other.

BEST LINE: Felix to Oscar – “You didn’t even know that this was a ladle!” and “It took me 30 minutes to figure out that F.U. stood for Felix Unger!”

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

Gone in 60 Seconds (guest)

MOVIE: Gone in 60 Seconds

GUEST: Christopher Watkins

NUTSHELL: A criminal comes out of “criminal retirement” to bail out his criminal little brother. He’s joined by a band of rag-tag criminals to come up with I dunno… a thousand cars in an hour or something, to give to the truly evil criminal.

GOOD THINGS: Angelina Jolie’s lips. Great cars. Giovanni Ribisi.

BAD THINGS: Making a bunch of criminals into heroes. A villan with a soft spot in his heart for – this is not a joke – handmade wooden furniture. Nicolas Cage is a horrible shadow of his former self. Bad car chases, typical characters (wise cop with smartass partner, crafty ol’ Robert Duvall, a typically stupid villan who had an accent for no reason, and, I reiterate, an affinity for HAND-MADE WOODEN FURNITURE.

FEATURES: Cage, Duvall, Jolie, Tim Olyphant, Ribisi, really nice cars.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Nicolas Cage mugging for the camera, being Nicolas Cage. Cage not being a character, but a stupid caricature of himself. All were ‘discomforting’ I suppose…
Also, when Jolie is revealed from working under a car doing things that only fat greasy ugly fat greasy guys do.

NOTABLE: I’m a man. I like cool cars. I like hot women. There was a scene where the frighteningly beautiful AJolie straddles a stickshift in a great car… should have been sexy, but it was just stupid. Probably because Cage was on the receiving end.

BEST PART: I just can’t get enough Jolie. Her being sexy somewhere.

BEST LINE: Don’t touch that!! — something like that when the furniture loving villan tries to protect his masterwork. Really highlights how stupid that character was.

CROWNS: 1 out of 5

Ran (guest)

MOVIE: Ran

GUEST: Christopher Watkins

NUTSHELL: A masterpiece by Akira Kurosawa based on Shakespeare’s “King Lear.” An aging leader passes power to his eldest son. The sons turn on each other and their father in a truly great epic film. Please don’t let subtitles stop you from seeing this film.

GOOD THINGS: Cinematography, direction, performances, unrivaled battle scenes, locations, costumes, character depth, etc, etc. Superior to any American historical epic I can think of.

BAD THINGS: If blood and suicide turns you off, beware.

FEATURES: Well, a bunch of Japanese actors. I don’t know any of them, but all the main characters did a great job in their roles. Watch for the vengeful wife.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Severed heads, suicides, spraying blood, yet at no point does it seem overdone or out of place. It all fits the tone of the film.

NOTABLE: Not even NOMINATED for best foriegn film at the Oscars. I find it superior to all the best picture nominees of that year, but it wasn’t even a blip on the FORIEGN FILM Nominees radar! Was nommed for best director – Akira Kurosawa, and won a single statue for costume design. Also, the direction has such a wonderful style to it, makes for refreshing difference from American film.

BEST PART: Vengeful wife holds one of the sons at knifepoint, then they have dirty samauri-sex. A great ending, beautiful long distance cinematography.

BEST LINE: “Man is born crying. When he stops crying, he dies.” (Something very similar to that.)

CROWNS: 5 out of 5