Dazed and Confused (guest)

MOVIE:  Dazed and Confused

GUEST:  XGirl2000

NUTSHELL:  Teens smoke pot, drink beer and cruise around Austin, Texas, looking for a party on the last day of high school, 1976.

GOOD THINGS:  Wiley Wiggins as awkward teenage boy, Parker Posey sending up the high school bitch, a pre-irritating Ben Affleck playing a fat bully, and especially Matthew McConaughey. He is so fab in this movie, that I’ll forever forgive him for all the crap he’s done since.

BAD THINGS:  Absolutely nothing. I worship this film.

FEATURES:  Everyone is in this movie – McConaughey, Posey, Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Anthony Rapp, Milla Jovovich, the London brother who wasn’t on Party of Five, Cole Hauser, Adam Goldberg, Rory Cochrane (who is suprisingly playing a forensic scientist on the Miami CSI – who would’ve thunk it!). Apparently, even Renee Zellweger is in this flick, but I’ve seen it about 900 times and, even though she’s in the credits, I still can’t find her anywhere.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The keg delivery getting squelched. Parents answering the door to partygoers who don’t know the party’s off. Adam Goldberg picking a fight with Nicky Katt, getting beat up, then crying about it.

NOTABLE:  A movie so much like my high school experience (sans Texas and the hazing) it scares me. In fact, I once went out with a guy who was just like Wooderson. Thanks to his prediliction for young high school girls, he earned the nickname Joven, Spanish for “yo

BEST PART:  Everything – driving around town aimlessly, as you search for the next party spot, the bitchin’ Camero cruising into the school parking lot to the opening chords of “Sweet Emotion,” Wiley Wiggins buying beer, Parker Posey, and Wooderson, Wooderson, Wooderson. Really, what the f-happened to Matthew McConaughey after this movie? Someone please give him some career guidance.

BEST LINE:  There are so many, it’s hard to pick one, so here are a few: Simmone – “Fry you little piggies, fry!” Darla – “OK all you freshman bitches!” Wooderson – “That’s what I love these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” Wooderson – “There’s a new fiesta in the making as we speak.” Wooderson – “I love them redheads…” Wooderson to Mitch – “Say man, you got a joint?” “No, not on me man.” “Well, it’d be a lot cooler if you did…” Darla – “Miss Hotstuff, I’m going to make the next year of your life a living hell. Lick me! All of you!”

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Quiet American (guest)

MOVIE:  The Quiet American

GUEST:  XGirl2000

NUTSHELL:  Amid the chaos of the French-Indochinese war, Michael Caine figures out that the young, American doctor who’s fallen for Caine’s young, Vietnamese mistress isn’t who he says he is.

GOOD THINGS:  Vietnamese landscape… pretty, Asian-French-influenced ’50s-era dresses… and perhaps my fave actor, Michael Caine – we should all become more like Alfie.

BAD THINGS:  The French. Also, I would usually put Brendan Fraser here, but you know what? He wasn’t too bad in this… of course, it probably helps that from the first scene, you know he’s going to die.

FEATURES:  Action, excitement, international intrigue, spies, mean sisters, love triangles, taxi dancers and Encino Man getting shanked as if he were in an episode of Oz – what more could you want in a movie?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Michael Caine kissing a girl young enough to be his granddaughter (I guess that’s the point though). Caine losing his dignity and crying in a men’s bathroom stall. And most disturbingly, the many shots of war/ bomb destruction, including landscapes filled

NOTABLE:  From what I understand, Miramax was hesitant, post-9/11, to put out a flick that was critical of American foreign policy and Caine had to fight to get this film out there. It’s damn good, so you better go see it.

BEST PART:  Michael Caine, Michael Caine, Michael Caine. I mean, this man is good in schlock. Go see him in something really great.

BEST LINE:  I can’t remember exactly what the line was, but after Encino Man meets the mean sister of Caine’s mistress, he says something like your sister’s nice. Caine’s reply: She’s an angel. Or something like that.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Gift (guest)

MOVIE: The Gift

GUEST: Xgirl

NUTSHELL: Cate Blanchett channels the spirit world and freaks everyone out in her hick hometown when she fingers Keanu Reeves as the wife beating killer of sweetie pie Katie Holmes.

GOOD THINGS: Hilary Swank; Keanu, very convincing as an evil dude; suspense a la Raimi; Greg Kinnear; Billy Bob Thornton script without starring role for Bill Paxton

BAD THINGS: Giovanni Ribisi as mental case; figuring out the killer before the movie ended; the year’s only ensemble movie sans Benecio Del Toro

FEATURES: Katie Holmes baring her breasts for no reason; swamps; Rosemary Harris; Gary Cole

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Keanu stalking Cate; dead Katie stalking Cate; Giovanni stalking Cate; Hilary’s black eye; Hilary’s hair; Hilary’s wardrobe; blue diamond scene

NOTABLE: Katie Holmes acting very un-Joey like; Keanu is scary!

BEST PART: Cate Blanchett challenging Meryl Streep in the accent department; Society function scene; brown paint scene

BEST LINE: I’m the best fuck in town.

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

All the Pretty Horses (guest)

MOVIE: All the Pretty Horses

GUEST: XGirl

NUTSHELL: Matt Damon loves the West, horses and Penelope Cruz. They’re all so pretty, life’s unfair and Matty can’t have any of ’em.

GOOD THINGS: Penelope Cruz, cinematography, that little kid from Sling Blade all grown up

BAD THINGS: A good book, an awful adaptation… lots of beautiful, but completely unnecessary slow, long shots of vistas and horses (we get it – it’s called “All the Pretty Horses” – a couple of these would suffice)… at the same time, the movie was completely rushed – this is one instance where I’d probably like the super-long version better (OK, maybe not the 4-hour cut Billy Bob initially brought in to Miramax, but… more Penelope please).

FEATURES: Henry Thomas, Ruben Blades, Bruce Dern, Sam (sigh!) Shepard

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Matty getting shanked in jail, one of our leads being sent to his death, Penelope crying (but she still looks so damn gorgeous), the thought that at any moment, Billy Bob was gonna appear onscreen with Angelina and start making out. (Shanked?! – Ed.)

NOTABLE: That kid from Sling Blade. Man! What is he, like, 15? He’s amazing! Why the hell isn’t this kid in more movies? Lucas Black, where art thou?

BEST PART: OK, I am about as heterosexual as they come, but I have to make a confession… I am in LOVE with Penelope Cruz. I mean, really in LUV. I can’t get enough of her. If I were 14 I’d probably have pictures of her up on my wall. To make matters worse, I briefly met her at the Dogma premiere in NY way back when and she was absolutely the nicest girl you could ever meet. And for god’s sake, she did hands-on work with Mother Teresa in Calcutta or something! She’s a god damn angel! OK, so she hasn’t had the chance to really do much acting in this or any of her other American films, but trust me, she is a great actress. Rent Abre Los Ojos or Jamon Jamon – you’ll see… You know, she’s so pretty I’m actually considering sitting through Nick Cage’s terrible Italian accent in that Captain Correlli movie just so I can see her. The crush factor is that bad. I have to say though, I hope the Tom Cruise thing passes quickly so I can forever block it out of my memory. He is so uncool and weird and bizarre I can’t even take the thought of her having “liaisons” with him (he’s gonna try to convert you Penelope! Stay away! Scientology = bad!). I mean, Nicole Kidman seems so normal now that they’re not together. So please Penelope, for the love of God, your country, the late Mother Teresa and the millions of starving children in the world that you give so much to, please dump Tom Cruise! Your Catholic bretheren would be proud.

BEST LINE: OK, I confess… I saw this movie AGES ago, so I can’t really remember a specific line from it. I was gonna look in the book and cheat, but then someone might call me on it and say, Hey, that line wasn’t in the movie! And I’d look like a big old idiot. But honestly, the dialog wasn’t the thing that you remember about this flick. You remember 2 things: how pretty Penelope looks and how big Matt Damon’s chin is.

CROWNS: 2 of 5 for the flick; 5 of 5 for how beautiful Penelope is