Crazy Heart

MOVIE:  Crazy Heart

NUTSHELL:  Cautionary tale for the “I just want to have fun and play music and that’s all that matters” people.

GOOD THINGS:  Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal and a script that is realistic in a lot of areas where movies never are.

BAD THINGS:  Length, non-sexy bodily fluid cameos, sort of a lot of extremely non-glamourous alcoholism scenes.  All the gritty, grizzled, grotty realism is too much at times.

FEATURES:  Obligatory cute kid, the non-airborne Ryan Bingham, Rick Dial, James Keane, Beth Grant, fly fishing, bowling, accordian

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  I almost didn’t make it to this movie because of the grizzled-ness and country music but if you had told me “oh, also Colin Farrell is there with a ponytail singing MULTIPLE country songs” I never would have gone near the theater.  But, I’m glad I did because Crazy Heart does have some good stuff in it and it’s not Crazy Heart’s fault I have unresolved Colin Farrell issues.

NOTABLE:  If you are frightened of country music (like me!) please note that it’s more the Johnny Cash/Hank Williams, Jr. kind and not the gaudy disco/American Idol kind or the kind with people who sound like they have glandular problems singing about xenophobia.

BEST PART:  Not sure if this is supposed to be funny, but we could not stop laughing at the Robert Duvall scenes because they were so random and odd.

BEST LINE:  “I’m from Enid, Oklahoma.”  “Of course you are.”

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

Moulin Rouge

MOVIE:  Moulin Rouge

NUTSHELL:  Sort of like Titanic but there’s a bohemian dwarf and dancing and a lot of whores. Okay it’s not that much like Titanic really.

GOOD THINGS:  Ann-Margaret, Ewan McGregor, John Leguizamo, headdresses, crowns, dancing whores

BAD THINGS:  Some of the whores are icky – try not to think about it. Some of the songs are very cringey to me but I suppose that’s between me, Phil Collins and Paul McCartney and not really your problem.

FEATURES:  A whole bunch of Australians (I guess) and Rip Taylor!

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The whole dwarf thing – try not to think about it.

NOTABLE:  Credits include a wig department and a “shoe coordinator”.

BEST PART:  Baz Luhrmann design freakery.

BEST LINE:  Tantric Can Can!

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

MOVIE:  O Brother, Where Art Thou?

NUTSHELL:  The Coen’s do a musical Homer in depression era Mississippi.

GOOD THINGS:  George Clooney, cows, ass-kicking bible salesmen

BAD THINGS:  Smooshed animals, Klan rally

FEATURES:  Holly Hunter, John Tuturro, Tim Blake Nelson, John Goodman, sirens, more bluegrass music than you can shake a stick at

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  KKK content, mocking the blind guy from News Radio

NOTABLE:  First version of Ulysses with multiple versions of “You Are My Sunshine”

BEST PART:  Pomade jokes

BEST LINE:  My hair!

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

 

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

MOVIE:  Hedwig and the Angry Inch

NUTSHELL:  John Cameron Mitchell’s film version of his long-running musical about a failed transsexual’s journey from Communist East Berlin to playing rock and roll in Midwestern salad bars.

GOOD THINGS:  Songs, script, band, anthem about wigs and makeup, my new boyfriend Michael Pitt

BAD THINGS:  Andrea Martin (the hell?), kinda goes on too long for a movie

FEATURES:  Miriam Shor, Stephen Trask, Theodore Liscinski, Rob Campbell, Michael Aranov, Ben Mayer-Goodman, Maurice Dean Wint, RENT jokes, Trailer park production number, gummi bear jokes, salad bar riot, lobster bibs

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well. You know.

NOTABLE:  Movie with the most wigs since Disney’s “The Kid”

BEST PART:  Happier times singing and drunk driving in a limo, the laundrymat scene

BEST LINE:  “Fuck you, I’m going to Guam!” or “Travel exhausts me.” or “When I think of all the people I have come upon in my travels, I have to think of all those that have come upon me.”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Duets

MOVIE:  Duets

NUTSHELL:  Markedly thoughtful road movie that does for karaoke what Boogie Nights did for buying donuts in the Valley.

GOOD THINGS:  Everyone good in the world except the Wilsons and Haley Joel Osment

BAD THINGS:  Audience may experience sequin toxicity

FEATURES:  Pink cab, Huey Lewis in a towel, Copacabana, extensive societal commentary from A. Bartlett Giamatti’s offspring, Angie Dickinson

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Four words: Islands in the Stream

NOTABLE:  Andre Braughter sings Freebird (finally, a movie for me!)

BEST PART:  Huey Lewis’s con

BEST LINE:  I forget but there were sure some cute ones and some funny rants.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

MOVIE:  Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

NUTSHELL:  Best movie ever after Die Hard and Gidget.

GOOD THINGS:  Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell, gowns

BAD THINGS:  Blah male lead

FEATURES:  Stolen tiara as a key plot point.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Prancing supposed Olympians in “Is anyone here for love?” number

NOTABLE:  “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” number ripped off for Madonna’s “Material Girl” video.

BEST PART:  Funny kid.

BEST LINE:  You DO wear it on your head. I just LOVE finding new places to wear diamonds!

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

White Christmas

MOVIE:  White Christmas

NUTSHELL:  Post-post-war tale of Army buddies uber alles wherein two successful song and dance men bail out their beloved former General when his Vermont ski lodge is about to go under due to lack of snow.

GOOD THINGS:  Funny stuff and some nice dancing, Danny Kaye, George Clooney’s aunt, Vera Ellen, crowns, gowns, ballerinas

BAD THINGS:  Grown men crying, some unbelievably gay moments (“Wow,” you will say to your companion, “That’s freaking GAY!”, more eyeliner than the Geneva Convention should allow

FEATURES:  Vera Ellen’s hypnotizing thin yet muscular thighs, men in need of bras (I’m looking at you, Earboy), beatnik jokes, nosy housekeepers, George Maharis flouncing around like a nut, Dean Jagger, Mary Wickes, train travel, a whole lot of feathers

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  I know he was a child-beating psycho and all but wow his eyes are so blue.

NOTABLE:  Warning: contains enormous skirts – I mean skirts that cover entire couches – skirts that made me fear for my life!

BEST PART:  Say what you will, men acting fey is still funny.

BEST LINE:  A guy that ugly’s got a lot of nerve having sisters.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

Walk the Line

MOVIE:  Walk the Line

NUTSHELL:  Oddly moving love story about an obsessive, drug addicted country & western singer and a basically ok but intermittently married country & western singer.

GOOD THINGS:  Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix and their performances, rather touching lubb story, thankfully not a lot of jibber jabber about music except some clunky scenes that purport to display how songwriting works. These scenes always make me cringe. I’m not sure why.

BAD THINGS:  The crazy first wife was pretty uno-dimensional and frightening and there is this weird anti/pro religion wishy-washyness that is all over the place. Like, religion is not a good idea and basically bad for you and it’s all about the individual but also you should be sad you are sinner but who cares about that because it’s all about the individual except when you sober up you should go to church because it’s good.

FEATURES:  Some stellar hair, contact lenses without rhyme, reason or continuity, Robert Patrick as a wooden Dadinator 2, Shelby Lynne for no reason I could figure, Shooter Jennings, another guy playing Elvis, sort of a disturbing Jerry Lee Lewis non-lookalike

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Any time there’s a little kid and a table saw in the same shot, I get a really bad feeling. Plus maybe this movie is too close to home for me. Plus plus Sam Phillips is kinda mean and I was like, geeeeeez.

NOTABLE:  I know I am like a broken record with this but I will say it again: Can’t we leave Elvis out of this? P.S., I really hope I don’t get another nasty email from the director. Kate and Leopold was fine, ok? FINE!

BEST PART:  Maybelle’s discomfort. I’m not sure why, it’s just funny to me.

BEST LINE:  We surrender! We surrender!

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Gimme Shelter

MOVIE:  Gimme Shelter 

NUTSHELL:  Stones, knives and guns – oh my! The Maysles’s seminal music documentary about the free concert at Altamont Speedway in 1969.

GOOD THINGS:  The music doyaaiiee, there has never been anyone that the camera loved more than Mick Jagger. (Courtney Cox is gaining, though.) Cute dogs, Keith, Charlie and Bill, Melvin Belli, Tina Turner and (boy I never thought I’d say this…) the Grateful Dead as the voice of reason.

BAD THINGS:  The Hell’s Angels, (“Ain’t nobody gonna kick my motorcycle!), gunplay, beating, kicking, knifing, you know – all that baby boomer shash.

FEATURES:  Snakeskin boots, velvet pants, Minnie Pearl, funny hats, Jefferson Airplane, the Flying Burrito Brothers, helicopter getaways and dancing in the motel room

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  People on drugs are scary. Naked people on drugs scarier. Dirty hippies on drugs…. wait is that redundant?

NOTABLE:  I totally forgot about Mick Taylor and his bouffant hairdo.

BEST PART:  I will be killed if I don’t say one word. And that word is: Keith.

BEST LINE:  “Well done, Sonny.”

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Scratch

MOVIE:  Scratch

NUTSHELL:  Excellent personalized history of hip hop that rocks the hay-ouse.

GOOD THINGS:  Great at laying down the basics and history and being totally engaging.  Amazing clips of archival footage, interviews, and current competitions and performances.

BAD THINGS:  Nope.  Okay maybe I could have heard “Rockit” a couple of less times.

FEATURES:  Qbert, Mix Master Mike, Jazzy Jay, Afrika Bambaataa, GrandMixer DXT, DJ Shadow, Rob Swift and the X-Ecutioners, DJ Babu and The Beat Junkies, DJ Shortee, DJ Premier, Steve Dee, DJ Craze and the Allies, Cut Chemist, Numark and Jurassic 5, and as they say on the KTEL commericials “much more!”

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  DJs’ alien fixation, unnerving interviews with Naut Humon and the voices in his head

NOTABLE:  I think I have a crush on Cut Chemist now, contains individuals who go by “GrandWizzard Theodore,” “DJ Faust,” and “Steinski”

BEST PART:  the Invisibl Skratch Piklz final show

BEST LINE:  I took clarinet in the fourth grade.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5