Zoolander

MOVIE:  Zoolander

NUTSHELL:  A fashion designer brainwashes a male model to kill an opponent of child labor. Hilarity ensues.

GOOD THINGS:  OWEN WILSON as the up-and-coming hipster male model, Will Ferrell as the shrill, poodle-coiffed designer Mugatu, Ben Stiller, costumes, production design, VH-1 soundtrack, celebrity cast of thousands

BAD THINGS:  Fabio, Paris Hilton

FEATURES:  Christine Taylor, Milla Jovovich, Andy Dick in drag, David Bowie, David Duchovny, Billy Zane, Natalie Portman, Cuba Gooding Jr., my boyfriend Tyson, basically everyone in the world who’s famous

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The constant prostate talk. I love Jerry Stiller, but please, we are delicate you know.

NOTABLE:  *Disclaimer* I am probably not the most objective person to ask about a movie in which Owen Wilson plays a male model. *Disclaimer*

BEST PART:  Owen vs. Ben in a runway walk-off. (Does walk-off take a hyphen? – Ed.)

BEST LINE:  Look out! She’s got an egg!

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Sum of All Fears

MOVIE:  The Sum of All Fears

NUTSHELL:  Phil Alden Robinson’s boring, boring, boring telling of Tom Clancy’s novel in which CIA analyst Jack Ryan tries to avert world disaster and um… other typical things like that.

GOOD THINGS:  Morgan Freeman (the little of him there is), lovable old KGB codger (who knew?), James Cromwell as the President, “Oooh La La” Liev Shreiber and my LLL Ken Jenkins

BAD THINGS:  Everything else except for… nope – pretty much everything else.

FEATURES:  Bridget Moynahan, mobile spy equipment, russians, Ron Rifkin, nukyuhler bombs, Bruce McGill, Airforce One, Josef Sommer, no Owen Wilson, Philip Baker Hall, white supremists, Alan Bates, garrotting – a lot of garrotting – in fact an astonishing amount of garrotting and is it really possible to garrote someone with a knitted muffler?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Ben Affleck as the younger, goonier, dumber, lummoxier, less athletic, more awkward, chunkier, bad haircut-ier Jack Ryan – and seeing the trailer for K-19 before the movie started didn’t exactly make me miss Harrison Ford any LESS!

NOTABLE:  Halfway through this movie you will be begging to watch Canadian Parliament on C-SPAN instead.

BEST PART:  Oh come on. You know I was sitting there on the edge of my seat the entire time waiting for Affleck to cry. That and asking for a ticket to “The Bum of All Rears” at the box office are the only enjoyment I got out of this movie.

BEST LINE:  When I asked for your opinion I didn’t actually mean for you to speak.

CROWNS:  1 out of 5

 

The St. Francisville Experiment

MOVIE:  The St. Francisville Experiment

NUTSHELL:  Faux documentary in which 3 ghost hunters and a bimbo inspect a Louisiana mansion haunted by tortured slaves.

GOOD THINGS:  Head ghost hunter is spitting image of Steven Malkmus

BAD THINGS:  Does for Blair Witch Project what Space Jam did for Hoosiers.

FEATURES:  No Owen Wilson

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The part at the beginning where the title card comes up and it says “this is real” and the audience laughs.

NOTABLE:  Scary and funny, sorority demon eats a bug.

BEST PART:  Arguing after the movie with the guy who thinks it’s a documentary.

BEST LINE:  Fear’s what makes heroes. Right boys?

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Snatch

MOVIE:  Snatch

NUTSHELL:  Super cool London gangster tale

GOOD THINGS:  Diamonds, a funny Brad Pitt (!!!), cutie pie dog, boxing, trailers, costumes, Director, Russian jokes

BAD THINGS:  No Sting, no Guv’nor, no Owen Wilson, no chicks, Tarantino aftertaste, animal cruelty

FEATURES:  Gypsies, tramps, thieves, Benecio “dumpster love” Del Toro, Vinnie Jones, Dennis Farina

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  BLOOD

NOTABLE:  Look, if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to bring it up.

BEST PART:  Squeaky dog and Lucky Star parts

BEST LINE:  mumblemumblemumblePeriwinklemumblemumble

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Shanghai Noon

MOVIE:  Shanghai Noon

NUTSHELL:  Owen Wilson wears hats and spurs and saves a Chinese Princess who doesn’t want to go home.

GOOD THINGS:  Other person in the film, Jacqueline Chan is not bad as the Princess.

BAD THINGS:  Some guy named Wallace Goggins.  Oy.

FEATURES:  OWEN WILSON

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Tedious scenes establishing plot and character and blah blah blah taking up time before Owen is on screen.

NOTABLE:  Use of bell and pine trees as deadly weapons.

BEST PART:  Owen Wilson

BEST LINE:  Didn’t I tell you not to play on Crow land?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

 

Shanghai Knights

MOVIE:  Shanghai Knights

NUTSHELL:  Get it?  Shanghai KNIGHTS?  Sequel to Shanghai NOON but they go to England so instead of Nights it’s KNIGHTS?  GET IT?  Sigh.  A phoned-in sequel to Tom Dey’s wonderful movie and this time there’s a couple good fight scenes and Owen Wilson but that’s about freaking it.

GOOD THINGS:  Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson, a few inspired fight scenes

BAD THINGS:  It’s all just sort of blah but the villain’s changing accent and weird bedhead does keep you on your toes.

FEATURES:  Donnie Yen, Aidan Gillen as Lord Nelson Rathbone (why does that make me giggle?), Fann Wong, Tom Fisher, Gemma Jones, Aaron Johnson, Kim Chan, spotted dick jokes – please spare us

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  So many groany, cringy, winking, goony moments that you will wake up screaming.  Okay not exactly but it will make you frown slightly several times.

NOTABLE:  Can you die from anachronisms?  Because if you can we are going to cut our population in half by the time this is released on DVD.

BEST PART:  What are you new?  OWEN WILSON, DUH!

BEST LINE:  I’m am not gonna die hanging from a clock. Oh look, I can see our hotel from here.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5 (2 for Owen, 1 for Jackie Chan)

The Royal Tenenbaums

MOVIE:  Royal Tenenbaums, The

NUTSHELL:  A really bad dad tries to reconcile with his emotionally-stunted child geniuses.

GOOD THINGS:  Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Bill Murray, Gene Hackman, Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, cute dogs, Gwyneth Paltrow, narration, the most loveliest lookingest brilliantest production design ever

BAD THINGS:  Obnoxious old guy next to me: “Boy this movie is slow.”

FEATURES:  Kumar Pallana, tennis, closet smoking, closet trysts, bus trysts, tent trysts, quickie jamaican marriages, lesbianism, psychological research, mental regression, emotional meltdowns, Seymour Cassel as “Dusty”, fire trucks, car crashes, plane crashes, afterschool activities, Alec Baldwin, encyclopedias, Grant Rosenmeyer, accounting, Danny Glover, more eyeliner than should be allowed, fur, twins named Ari and Uzi, Al Thompson, zebra costume, faked epitaphs, weddings, talk shows, bad paintings, sleeping bags, shoplifting, suicide attempts, head shaving, Jonah Meyerson, high finance, Stephen Lea Sheppard, adidas running suits, gypsy cabs, headbands, bowties, face paint, mescaline jokes, dalmatian mice, pink

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Racistness

NOTABLE:  WARNING! Contains footage of Owen Wilson in a cowboy hat and undies.

BEST PART:  Danger with Twins Montage

BEST LINE:  It’s still frowned upon. But what isn’t these days, right?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Romeo Must Die

MOVIE:  Romeo Must Die

NUTSHELL:  Like West Side Story without singing, dancing, plot or actors.

GOOD THINGS:  Jet Li, explosions

BAD THINGS:  Kung Fu CGI, bad acting, no Owen Wilson

FEATURES:  Two fisted gunplay, football

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Jet Li charming Aaliyah with an ice cream cone

NOTABLE:  Opening sequence, soundtrack, Aaliyah’s eyeliner

BEST PART:  Jet Li with a backwards baseball hat

BEST LINE:  Ooofff.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

Return to Me

MOVIE:  Return to Me

NUTSHELL:  A woman dates her organ donor’s widower.

GOOD THINGS:  Bonnie Hunt, Irish people

BAD THINGS:  Cute elderly people, no Owen Wilson

FEATURES:  Gorillas, Bing Crosby jokes

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Carroll O’Connor’s Irish accent

NOTABLE:  Chicago locations, David Alan Grier playing a straight guy, Minnie Driver’s hair

BEST PART:  Valet Parking joke

BEST LINE:  You had a sex dream about me?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

The Perfect Storm

MOVIE:  The Perfect Storm

NUTSHELL:  Weather, Fish, George Clooney

GOOD THINGS:  John C. Reilly, not too much Mark Wahlberg

BAD THINGS:  No Owen Wilson, Diane Lane on a tear, PJs in jeopardy

FEATURES:  Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as a swordboat captain.  No, really.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The storm’s pretty gripping and the end is painful.

NOTABLE:  Though a huge screen star, Mark Wahlberg is unable to grow a respectable beard.

BEST PART:  Cherry Jones taking charge of the warden’s yacht.

BEST LINE:  Good Afternoon, Madam… I’ll be your ParaRescue Jumper today.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5