We interrupt this blog retirement for a very important post about the net worth of Sailor Scouts

http://www.bitchesgetriches.com/sailor-scouts-ranked-by-estimated-net-worth/

Finding Nemo (guest)

MOVIE:  Finding Nemo

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Big fish eat little fish… unless they’re in a 12-step program.

GOOD THINGS:  Incredibly detailed scenery, fluid animation, sharks needing interventions, short-term memory loss jokes that made this movie MUCH funnier than “Memento” (wait, that wasn’t a comedy…)

BAD THINGS:  Constant peril

FEATURES:  Al Brooks, Willem Defoe, Ellen DeGeneres (no, I will NOT make a cheap joke about tuna), X-treme-sports-loving turtles, World War Two relics, headgear

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The barracuda

NOTABLE:  A Disney/Pixar film without a heartwarming song by Randy Newman? WTF? And what happened to the outtake reel?

BEST PART:  Bruce fails to cope with temptation.

BEST LINE:  Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

Shrek

MOVIE:  Shrek

NUTSHELL:  After a diminutive but megolamaniacal lord evicts all fairy tale creatures out of his kingdom and into an ogre’s swamp, the ogre and a donkey set out to rescue a princess to get the swamp back. Wacky japery ensues.

GOOD THINGS:  Eddie Murphy, Disney jokes, Princess jokes

BAD THINGS:  Eeeewwwy gross out ogre parts

FEATURES:  Cameron Diaz, Mike Myers, John Lithgow, crowns, tiaras, exploding bird, balloon animals, the Macarena

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  I was never okay with the princess being an ogre. There. I said it and I’m glad. GLAD!

NOTABLE:  Worse use of music since “Safety Dance” in The Mexican.

BEST PART:  On screen: The Girl Dragon parts  Off screen: The kids across the aisle going progressively more and more ballistic as Shrek’s beauty regimen got grosser and grosser

BEST LINE:  Eat Me!

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

Rugrats in Paris: The Movie

MOVIE:  Rugrats in Paris:  The Movie

NUTSHELL:  Mildly maudlin sequel in which France gets Pickle’d

GOOD THINGS:  Hilarious references for the big people watching, as always – Angelica and Phil and Lil

BAD THINGS:  Maudlin, not as good as the first one, the French, character named Chas, redhead bashing

FEATURES:  Susan Sarandon, John Lithgow, Casey Kasem

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Chuckie’s endless whining about not having a mommy.  Jesus, get over it.  (Just kidding; don’t hit or yell!)

NOTABLE:  I was the only person sans toddler at this movie.  I am g to the a to the y.

BEST PART:  Godfather jokes

BEST LINE:  Seen one church, seen em’ all. Wake me if you spot a hunchback.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

Chicken Run

MOVIE:  Chicken Run

NUTSHELL:  Mel Gibson IS Super Chicken!

GOOD THINGS:  Witty script. Mel Gibson and Jane Horrocks.

BAD THINGS:  Younger kids who couldn’t read yet missed a bunch of jokes and protested at what they felt was appropriate volume.

FEATURES:  Miranda Richardson, Star Trek jokes, gravy.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Chickens in jeopardy.

NOTABLE:  84 minutes long

BEST PART:  The rats.

BEST LINE:   Bloomin’ heck! .

CROWNS:  3 out of 5 Crowns