We interrupt this blog retirement for a very important post about the net worth of Sailor Scouts

http://www.bitchesgetriches.com/sailor-scouts-ranked-by-estimated-net-worth/

2014 The Good! or “We’re so cute. I wanna punch us in the face.”

The things that I really loved this year came from all media and sometimes crossed over and back again (Veronica Mars, Comedy Bang Bang, Monty Python Live). My favorite movie moment was listening to a man explain the plot of Paper Moon at length in French. I was also lucky to see a lot of good movies in a row which was unprecedented.  In fact, I think I mostly saw ONLY good movies for a lot of the year probably because I pushed a lot of the awards season trash to after January 1^st. Favorite 2014 Movies

• Veronica Mars (I am what I am.)
• Anchorman 2 and Anchorman 2 Redux
• The Lego Movie
• Guardians of the Galaxy
• The Benson Movie Interruption of anything
• Monuments Men
• A Matter of Life and Death
• Captain America:  Winter Soldier
• The Trip to Italy
• Pride
• Gone Girl
• Dear White People
• Into the Woods
• Edge of Tomorrow
• M. Hulot’s Holiday
• Monty Python Live

My Favorite TV moment was Fargo.

Favorite 2014 TV

• Fargo
• Key and Peele
• Archer
• Parks and Recreation
• The Soup
• The Great British Baking Show
• Babylon
• Short Poppies
• Comedy Bang Bang
• No You Shut Up
• Shakespeare Uncovered
• Brooklyn 99

My favorite overall entertainment this year was the U Talking U2 to Me podcast and yes that’s pretty weird and sorry to everyone I tried to talk to about it.  Imagine when you tried to discuss Serial with someone who hadn’t listened to it only with a podcast where people talk about everything except U2 but also eventually U2 but only barely. Favorite 2014 Podcasts

• U Talking U2 to Me
• Comedy Bang Bang
• Doug Loves Movies
• You Must Remember This
• Serial

(I don’t really recommend books because you should read the books you like and my taste is too weird.)

2014 The Bad? or “It’s just I haven’t spoken 1950s in quite a while.”

I know I’ve mentioned that I no longer do the Bataan movie death march / try to see every nominated film every year.  I don’t believe I’ve mentioned how much happier I am about it so here it is on the official record.

I heroically managed to avoid Interstellar and when I look at the list of movies from 2014 I get chills just considering the horribleness that I somehow managed to dodge.  Yet I was still exposed to movies that weren’t very good whether by mistakenly going to see something horrible in a theater or succumbing to peer pressure or even just walking around the house while someone else watched The Judge.

There are still some specific questions I have such as:

Did anyone see Nightcrawler?  Because it was fantastic and no one mentions it.  Did I somehow dream it?  Because that means I have a lot of issues relating to local news coverage and Bill Paxton.

Why is Effie in “Hunger Games 3: Seriously, what’s going on with Peeta”?

What outlet is there for my dozens of “Hobbit 3:  Warning Contains No Hobbit” jokes?

There are scars that don’t heal.

I missed a lot of good films this year too and am confused / saddened /enraged that I still haven’t seen Obvious Child among many others and that I didn’t see The Inbetweeners 2 even though I was in frigging London.

The most horrible entertainment calamity I experienced this year was also in London and was having to leave Richard III during the second half so maybe all the bad things in the world aren’t related to movies but entertainment in general.

Movies were again not the greatest this year and other media sometimes held much more interest for me (“U Talking U2 to Me” Podcast – OBSESSED).  In fact I don’t even have a menu planned for Oscar night because I have no horse in the Best Picture race whatsoever.  Perhaps some elaborate cakes for The Grand Budapest Hotel and a lot of assorted alcohol for the rest?  Look at this mangy bunch of 8 and see what you think:

The Theory of Everything – this wasn’t good and the lead performance isn’t good but Felicity Jones is great so please see Like Crazy.  She is also good in The Invisible Woman but that movie is an example of taking a great story and dramatizing everything that is not that interesting from it.  Also see:  Unbroken

Birdman (or the something something of something) – It’s fine.  Edward Norton is great.  The script somehow required 4 people and it does unexpected things in both good and bad ways.  Let’s not get carried away.  IT’S FINE.

Boyhood –Sadly I am still waiting to have the 4 hour window of time that this movie requires.  (I am factoring crying and/or angry texting afterwards.)

The Imitation Game – I love this one but it is extremely up my alley so I can’t decide if it’s great or I just like it.  It has everything I want and it’s very well made but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it unless I knew how you felt about Bletchley Park and Rory Kinnear.

Whiplash – Did not see it.  It looks too intense, there appears to be too much acting and I reject the idea that a drummer is the hero.

American Sniper – No thanks!  I heard this in the next room and that was 1000% more than enough for me.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – I loved this but can’t believe anyone else saw it.  I really think they are faking.  I don’t understand why this is the Wes Anderson movie people embrace but okay!

Selma – Did not see it.  Did not get a screener and I missed the half-day it was in theaters.  I’m not happy or sad about it, just annoyed at this point.

2013, Imaginary Lava Falls, and also some movies

On a lighter note, there were some fun things in 2013.  I wouldn’t say a majority came from moviegoing.  But even though I care more about Troy Barnes leaving to travel the world and Jesse Pinkman getting away than any of the “Best Pictures”, it doesn’t mean I don’t still love movies.  At Casa De Knievel to be honest we are beside ourselves about the Veronica Mars movie and Grand Budapest Hotel coming.  Plus that movie where Aaron Paul and Dominic Cooper are going to drive cars!

Here are some favorites and yes, I know some of these are TV shows and yes, I know some are not from 2013 and yes, there may or may not be a podcast on there.

Community

Sherlock

Boardwalk Empire

Key and Peele

Portlandia

Doug Loves Movies

Wits at Largo

Pinball Hall of Fame

Archer

Parks and Recreation

Ted’s Montana Grill, Boulder

Hawaiian:  The Legend of Eddie Aikau

Time Bandits

Nativity!

Doctor Who 50th – the funnest thing all year and I went to a Cornetto Trilogy marathon

Hunger Games:  Catching Fire

Enough Said

Endless Summer

Don Jon

Saving Mr. Banks

Philomena

Upstream color

Bling Ring

Zero Charisma

Austenland

World’s End

Plus, how hilarious was Fast 6, you guys!

“I have to apologize. I was born with a disfigurement where my head is made of the same material as the sun.”

I can’t believe it’s that time again and have been dreading it to be honest. I’m not sure if it was an exceptionally weak year and some very odd choices but I care less and less each year about what some insane, wizened people consider the best movies of the year. 

 I guess I’m not going to have anything pithy and sarcastic to say about 12 Years a Slave even though I am typically all about Bandersnatch jokes.  It’s the same with Dallas Buyers Club because I did not see it and the world begins and ends with Wooderson and Jordan Catalano as far as I’m concerened. 

 American Hustle was flawed but okay.  It definitely had the best close ups of shoes and belt buckles than any other film this year.  Jeremy Renner and Jack Huston saved it from being 100% miscast and only because it’s impossible to miscast those two.  (Who can we get for the half-faced assassin slash love interest and Jack Keroauc?)

 I loved Captain Phillips but it is another one of those Paul Greengrass movies where you know how it ends and when the lights go up at the end all the menfolk are weeping. 

 Gravity was great in IMAX but I experienced several separate mutinies from people when trying to watch it on a small screen.  Apparently it’s only about immersion and the effects because the Lucy Ricardo in space thing worked for exactly zero people when viewing at home.  One held out until Clooney floated away and then it got really ugly for me. 

 Her is good but long.  I know he was creating a world so maybe it needed the length but to me it felt way too long.  Wolf of Wall Street was absurdly long.  I wish Scorsese would turn all his attention to film preservation and history because I cannot sit through any more of these that make no sense, have nothing to say and yet still use the budgets of a dozen movies that could have actually been good. 

Did not see Nebraska after Payne stood in front of the writers of the Descendants and took all the credit at the Oscars like an asshole.  Blue Jasmine should fuck off by the way.

Philomena was great.  Saving Mr. Banks was great.  Don Jon also great and Mandela was better than everything listed above.  The last three are not nominated for “Best Picture” by the way.

So I guess I don’t have a cohesive-ish menu as in years past because most of these movies inspire exactly nothing in me.  I suggest making Walt Disney’s chili recipe in protest and drinking 12 pints of beer to salute the end of the Cornetto trilogy.  I will race you since I’m hoping I will be unconscious for the ceremony this year.

2012 Favorite Movies and Honorable Mentions

I know.  I’m a weirdo and a comedy nerd.

• 21 Jump Street
• Argo
• Cabin in the Woods
• Celeste and Jesse Forever
• Chronicle
• Friends with Kids
• The Impossible
• Looper
• Marvel’s The Avengers
• Moonrise Kingdom
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower
• Pitch Perfect
• Safety Not Guaranteed
• Savages
• Titanic 3D
• Wanderlust
• Zero Dark Thirty

Best animated:  Pirates!  Band of Misfits

Best description:  “Mr. Pretty with the Kermit Voice” – Doug Loves Movies on Eddie Redmayne

Tardiest entry for Olympics dressage:  Jamie Foxx Django Unchained

Most underrated award season film:  The Impossible

Most overrated award season film:  Django Unchained

Martha Stewart Multitasking award:  Les Miserables during which I took down the entire Christmas tree

Oscars Menu 2013 – Great news, you guys!

Excellent news this year.  It’s finally appropriate to just pick up something from the Smokehouse and call it a day in honor of ARGO.  Yes there are 8 other movies but, are they really worth cooking anything?

 

Quail is mentioned in LINCOLN and apparently Lincoln liked apples but since this is really just a play that was accidentally filmed, it doesn’t exactly qualify as a movie.

 

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK mentions “crabby snacks and homemades” and Fire-and-Ice Cake so you can go with that.  But I don’t know what those are and Silver Linings Playbook is just a romcom with schizophrenics.

 

I didn’t see LIFE OF PI because it isn’t my thing but the book sounds very good.  You could have sushi, Tigers Milk bars, rice with gravy or actual pie I suppose.

 

ZERO DARK THIRTY has a scene where people eat ice cream cones but it’s not exactly the chocolate pie from The Help, is it?

 

LES MISERABLES calls for a stolen baguette joke but hopefully you remembered that from high school and didn’t have to actually sit through the movie which is ridiculous.

 

In AMOUR they have a frisee salad, croissants and coffee with milk but I don’t want my party guests thinking about staring into the abyss of death more than they usually do, so maybe skip it.

 

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD – Hushpuppies are the first thing that come to mind and will probably go down so much better than the actual movie with it’s teenaged filmmakers who think “Benh” is short of Benjamin and a six year old who behaves “as if she’s not even acting” is something to be excited about.

 

Characters talk about “white cake” in DJANGO UNCHAINED.  I guess they are meant to be jokes or ironic or something because seriously it’s referred to so many times.  But I can’t make heads or tails of it and also why make your guests think about such an unpleasant copy of other unpleasant movies that were at least original.

Oscars 2012 Shitty movie death march / Dessert buffet

It’s Oscar time and I can’t remember the last time I hated more of the Best Picture nominees.  As a result, my yearly Oscars party themed buffet is not inspired like it sometimes is.  This year the spread instead mirrors my death march through watching so many horrible movies this winter. 

I am going with a dessert buffet since it’s easier for everyone to pick up one item and a lot on the list can be picked up at the bakery or store.  It’s important this year to properly assign dishes to guests so you don’t just end up with 12 chocolate pies that no one will eat. 

 War Horse – Since I can’t think of any turnip desserts, I’d go with oat cookies or bars and maybe serve with some Devonshire cream.  I suppose Joey might have also liked carrot cake but if you have a British store near you and can get Hob Nobs and Devonshire cream, that would be awesome obviously.

 The Artist – You could do the breakfast item (parfait?) that the main character does schtick with in the scene that rips off Citizen Kane if you like your guests.  However, if you are really going for the soul of the movie, you will put some boring French cheese on a plate and add a gimmick like edible gold leaf or those silver ball cake decorations that are ultimately unpalatable, hurt your teeth and kill you slowly upon ingestion.

 The Help – Chocolate Cream Pie is the obvious choice.  No one will eat this so you don’t have to worry if it’s good or not. 

 Hugo – Croissants and milk would be really cute especially if you can get a little urchin obsessed with clocks and robots to steal them.

 Moneyball – This calls for Cracker Jack, Twinkies or some other junk food Billy Beane hoovers up in the movie.  This is a great choice to give to the guest who calls from the gas station on his way to the party and asks if anyone wants Cactus Cooler or a tall boy.

 Descendents – If you have overachieving guests, you could have them make Malasadas but ice cream is the easier and more significant food item from the movie.

 Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Go for New York black and white cookies and it will be the only positive thing that ever came out of this movie. 

 Tree of Life – Skillet corn bread is a down homey sort of thing I can picture on those plates at the dinner table.  It’s not easy to pick a dessert for this one.  Candy dinosaurs?  Cupcakes with butterflies? 

 Midnight in Paris – This is for you the host to buy champagne which makes for a festive party anyway.  I suggest a case per guest in order to make Billy Crystal and the horrible movies that will inevitably win awards go down easy.  If there are Harry Potter fans coming over you may need tranquilizers so be a good host and plan ahead.

Top Ten 2009

Here’s my list of favorite movies for 2009.  I tried to be levelheaded about it, like for instance “I Love You, Man” isn’t on here.  Or “Safe Men”.  Yes, I know that came out in 1998.  My point is, this is as objective as I get.

Adventureland – Saw this twice and the second time my companion lost interest and turned to me to start a lengthy, unrelated conversation halfway through the movie.  So I know it’s not for everyone.

Blind Side – Made the mistake of getting popcorn during this and was severely dehydrated from all the crying and salt afterwards.

Fantastic Mr. Fox – Really liked this.  It’s not as twee as I feared it would be.  Cuss yeah.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – Sometimes I wonder if these make sense to civilians and other times I’m convinced everything is perfectly spelled out if you pay enough attention.  I am kidding myself, of course.

Hurt Locker – Great movie.  Even contains some running jokes and Voldemort’s downfall.  Kind of.

Informant! – Very funny, has everyone I love in it (and Matt Damon), and even the hair is hilarious.

Invention of Lying – Person next to me had an asthma attack from laughing too much.

Up – Sure we’re all over it now and worried about the cute culture encroachment but it’s great.  “I like you temporarily!”

Up in the Air – Perhaps too close to real life to be as appealing as it could be, but still great.

White Ribbon – Great German movie and as a plus I have never seen an audience so pissed off at a movie before.