From Hell (2) (guest)

MOVIE: From Hell

GUEST: Sugar Kaine

NUTSHELL: The Hughes Brothers, with the assistance of a big crane and a hipster Jack the Ripper comic book bring you…The From Hell Drinking Game!

GOOD THINGS: Don’t Drink – Whenever Johnny Depp is on screen. You will want to see him. He’s good. The only good thing so pay attention to him even though he’s acting like a goon most of the time. Love that Depp even with the Eliza Doolittle accent.

BAD THINGS: Drink one drink – when Heather Graham appears on screen and it occurs to you that: (a) she’s sort of nice looking for a Whitechapel whore, (b) she’s redheaded for no reason, (c) she’s not English and aren’t there sort of a lot of English actresses that can act okay and maybe do a cockney accent better?, (d) wait a second, did they say she’s Irish? wait did they say it again? wait a minute didn’t I just sit through her speaking with a cockney accent for two hours?

FEATURES: Drink two drinks – whenever there is a superfluous “YAY WE HAVE A CRANE! LOOK AT OUR CRANE! WE RULE WITH OUR BIG CRANE! CRANE SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!” shot

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Drink three drinks – whenever (a) someone is sitting with smoke of an indeterminate origin swirling around them, (b) a hooker walks outside and you think “she’s dead” and then is immediately killed, (c) an upper crusty Englishman says something so anachronistic and ironic that you just have to say “wow that was ARCH!”

NOTABLE: Drink four drinks – each time you cringe at Ian Holm’s ACTING!

BEST PART: Drink five drinks – every time Robbie Coltrane makes a weird Shakespeare reference and the person next to you says audibly, “.. the hell?”

BEST LINE: Someday they will say that I gave birth to the 20th century and bored everyone to death with only a bad script and some miscast actors! Muaahahahaahahaaha!

CROWNS: Go to the emergency room immediately. You have a higher blood alcohol level than that guy in Def Leppard.

Spun (guest)

MOVIE:  Spun

GUEST:  Sugar Kaine

NUTSHELL:  Unpleasant diary of a 3 day speed bender.

GOOD THINGS:  Patrick Fugit, Alexis Arquette, ninja throwing stars, fancy acrylic nails, I think I went to high school with the characters Giggles and La Sad Girl.

BAD THINGS:  Gross, violent, pretty dumb and looks like it was blown up to 35mm from whatever they used to put in those Fisher Price Pixel cameras.  Sure, sure, it is on purpose to get a grainy look so you can feel the hopelessness of a speed freak’s experience.  Sure.

FEATURES:  A whole bunch of actors who really need to not do everything their agents tell them to, a green dog, Billy Corgan music, driving, driving, driving and then a little more driving

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Yes, now that you mention it – TONS of them.

NOTABLE:  Interestingly enough the idealized girlfriend in “the city” turns up wearing a toga and sandals.  Did I say interestingly?  I think I meant idiotically.

BEST PART:  Moustache Cop and Mullet Cops split screen interlude

BEST LINE:  Tag?

CROWNS:  1 out of 5