See Spot Run

MOVIE:  See Spot Run

NUTSHELL:  Something about an FBI dog and a kid and David Arquette falling a lot

GOOD THINGS:  No. Well, David Arquette and a dog.

BAD THINGS:  Yes all of the things besides Arquette and the dog.

FEATURES:  David Arquette, Paul Sorvino, Leslie Bibb, Michael Clarke Duncan, Angus T. Jones, an FBI headquarters next to a park so the FBI dogs can look out and see regular civilian dogs and feel emotionally depressed

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  A castrated Paul Sorvino. It’s a kid’s movie, for Christ’s sake. Watching the kid do dangerous stunts. Counting the times the little punk kid actor looked directly into the camera.

NOTABLE:  My face literally cramped from laughing so hard during this film. However, this is something that I really need to see a doctor about and NOT because the movie is intentionally funny.

BEST PART:  Breakdancing mailmen

BEST LINE:  Let’s get disgruntled!

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

The Sweetest Thing

MOVIE:  The Sweetest Thing

NUTSHELL:  Horrible movie supposedly about a girl who meets a guy at a club and then stalks him around Northern California but actually about making grossout movies with female protagonists in some kind of slackass mutated meaningless politically correct gesture from hell.

GOOD THINGS:  No.

BAD THINGS:  I’m not even going to get into it with you. I’m too mad.

FEATURES:  Cameron Diaz, Thomas Jane, Parker Posey, Georgia Engel, James Mangold as “Dr. Greg”

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Not discomfort so much as rage. RAGE!

NOTABLE:  They have got a ton of nerve putting Selma Blair in a movie this shitty.

BEST PART:  Christina Applegate and Jason Bateman. Hey – at least they’re pros.

BEST LINE:  Don’t be gay in the house of God, gimme a hit!

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

What Women Want

MOVIE:  What Women Want

NUTSHELL:  Horror movie in which montage sequences fight for world domination

GOOD THINGS:  Marshall Fields, cosmetics, Lauren Holly, no tiring story, plot, or character development

BAD THINGS:  Character named Gigi, Helen Hunt, Mel Gibson on a twinkly tear, impromptu dance sequences, just plain weird point of view

FEATURES:  Alan Alda, needless wall to wall Sinatra, real estate porn, Marisa Tomei, Ashley Johnson,

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Out of nowhere rogue montages.

NOTABLE:  Valerie Perrine and Delta Burke are the best things in this movie.  Think about that.

BEST PART:  No.

BEST LINE:  No.

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

The Big O

MOVIE:  Big O, The

NUTSHELL:  Shitty alleged documentary that is supposedly about modern women’s difficulty with achieving orgasm but really about a loser with a video camera videotaping (badly) three basket cases with serious sexual dysfunction as they travel from quack to quack to quack.

GOOD THINGS:  At least it’s under 90 minutes and one of the subjects is not entirely deranged.

BAD THINGS:  Bad framing, bad lighting, absence of script, unsupported supposed “statistics”, bad paintings, brief vox populi snippets that go nowhere, big hair, emotionally stunted people yammering on and on.

FEATURES:  Some nice boots, a Scottish stripper, more machinery than a Caterpillar showroom (Zing! Thank you! I’ll be here all week!)

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well sweet Jesus – MOST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE!

NOTABLE:  When people congratulate themselves and say this is an “important” film about a subject that “society” ignores so it can marginalize women.. please tell them right away to go fuck themselves.

BEST PART:  Grrrrrr…..

BEST LINE:  I have books about it — I haven’t read them…

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

See Spot Run (guest)

MOVIE: See Spot Run

GUEST: Midori

NUTSHELL: See Spot Run – Out of the Theater

GOOD THINGS: This “Happy Meal” of a movie is quite possibly the best worst movie I have ever seen. This “tail” is about a kid who wants a dog, an FBI dog on the lam, a mailman who wants the mom of the kid, and bumbling gangsters and FBI agents all chasing each others’ tails. A great no brainer for kids who think people stepping in dog doodie is hysterical.

BAD THINGS: Director Whitesell comes from the cut and paste school of film directing, shooting a cornacopia of reaction shots and piecing them all together in editing (insert Michael Clarke Duncan manic smiling reaction shot here). This movie also has the dubious honor of having the worst kid actor ever in the history of kid actors. I am sure his audition consisted of: Look sad, look surprised, look down (all the same look incidentally). This horrible dud acting (insert pout here) is second only to the Rasberry Award performance of the dog. He doesn’t even fetch balls (pivotal plot point), just stands there and occasionally poops.

FEATURES: Luckily David Arquette suffers from such a terminal case of “Cuteboyitis” that he steals every scene he’s in (which by the way is almost all of them). But, Paul Sorvino and Michael Clarke Duncan, what were they thinking? Easy money and craft service are the only conclusions I could come up with.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: You know it’s bad when you start saying to yourself, “K9 and Turner and Hooch were way better.” – a sentence you never planned to utter in your lifetime.

NOTABLE: You will watch this movie in awe at how unbelievably bad it is and until your face hurts from laughing – but not at the dog doodie. If farts offend you – especially lethal ones from exotic animals – this movie is not for you.

BEST PART: Mailmen breakdancing.

BEST LINE: Paul Sorvino, “Oh, a tomato.”

CROWNS: Do not attempt.

Pay It Forward (guest)

MOVIE:  Pay it Forward

GUEST:  Christopher Watkins

NUTSHELL:  A older stupid kid in a younger stupid kid’s body thinks he can save the world by helping out others in hopes they will help others in return.

GOOD THINGS:  It ended… eventually.

BAD THINGS:  Mind-numbingly manipulative emotional drivel. Bad chemistry between Hunt and Spacey. HJOsment going in out out of character inexplicably. Ridiculously hopeful plot. Gut wrenchingly stupid and predictable third act… the worst final scene in any movie in quite a while.

FEATURES:  Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey, Haley Joel Osment, the guy from Frequency… James Caziavielsomething-or-other.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  God awful interaction between Hunt and Spacey when he recounts the events that led to his facial disfigurement. Uncomfortable for the horrific dialogue, not the less than unexpected methods of his scarring.

NOTABLE:  Mimi Leder managed to make a worse film than Deep Impact.

BEST PART:  Jon Bon Jovi being such a bad actor that he cannot possibly ever be cast again.

BEST LINE:  Spacey to Hunt… you complete me… no wait…

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

From Hell (2) (guest)

MOVIE: From Hell

GUEST: Sugar Kaine

NUTSHELL: The Hughes Brothers, with the assistance of a big crane and a hipster Jack the Ripper comic book bring you…The From Hell Drinking Game!

GOOD THINGS: Don’t Drink – Whenever Johnny Depp is on screen. You will want to see him. He’s good. The only good thing so pay attention to him even though he’s acting like a goon most of the time. Love that Depp even with the Eliza Doolittle accent.

BAD THINGS: Drink one drink – when Heather Graham appears on screen and it occurs to you that: (a) she’s sort of nice looking for a Whitechapel whore, (b) she’s redheaded for no reason, (c) she’s not English and aren’t there sort of a lot of English actresses that can act okay and maybe do a cockney accent better?, (d) wait a second, did they say she’s Irish? wait did they say it again? wait a minute didn’t I just sit through her speaking with a cockney accent for two hours?

FEATURES: Drink two drinks – whenever there is a superfluous “YAY WE HAVE A CRANE! LOOK AT OUR CRANE! WE RULE WITH OUR BIG CRANE! CRANE SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!” shot

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Drink three drinks – whenever (a) someone is sitting with smoke of an indeterminate origin swirling around them, (b) a hooker walks outside and you think “she’s dead” and then is immediately killed, (c) an upper crusty Englishman says something so anachronistic and ironic that you just have to say “wow that was ARCH!”

NOTABLE: Drink four drinks – each time you cringe at Ian Holm’s ACTING!

BEST PART: Drink five drinks – every time Robbie Coltrane makes a weird Shakespeare reference and the person next to you says audibly, “.. the hell?”

BEST LINE: Someday they will say that I gave birth to the 20th century and bored everyone to death with only a bad script and some miscast actors! Muaahahahaahahaaha!

CROWNS: Go to the emergency room immediately. You have a higher blood alcohol level than that guy in Def Leppard.

Coyote Ugly

MOVIE:  Coyote Ugly

NUTSHELL:  Look. I know my thing is that I write really brief, pithy reviews that are supposed to save time and be in a specific format so the reader can determine important things like whether or not Owen Wilson is in a movie or not.

GOOD THINGS:  But the fact is, I saw this movie two hours ago and I can’t really remember anything about it.

BAD THINGS:  Okay I remember that for sure there is either George Wendt, John Goodman or Charles Durning in it and for sure there are some girls dancing in halter tops and at one point they are pouring buckets of water on each other.

FEATURES:  I’m not trying to be flippant about this and I swear if I could recollect anything I’d offer it up.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  But really honestly there’s a blonde girl who is so cute you just want to strangle her with your bare hands and also the big guy.

NOTABLE:  I’m sure someone said some dialogue at some point and I’m sure there were some actors and they did things and maybe some music in the background playing.

BEST PART:  At one point the guy next to me said that he really hoped everything would work out for the couple in the movie and I remember thinking that was pretty funny.

BEST LINE:  But, I swear, I don’t remember why.

CROWNS:  And it’s not like i’m proud of it or something; I couldn’t be more embarassed. A lot of people in the movie had cowboy boots on. Sorry.

8 1/2 Women (guest)

MOVIE:  8 1/2 women

GUEST:  Senor Fromage

NUTSHELL:  Grieving father and sexually ambivalent son try to emulate Fellini’s 8 1/2 in the father’s house after the mother dies.  Oh, and they have sex. Together.

GOOD THINGS:  They don’t actually show them having sex.

BAD THINGS:  They have sex together!!!

FEATURES:  Father and son incest. parapalegic sex. Pachinko machines.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  duh.

NOTABLE:  duh.

BEST PART:  When the tape in the VCR kicked into rewind mode at the end and woke me up.

BEST LINE:  “Come here and stand naked in front of the mirror with me, Father. I want to see what I look like as an old man(sic).” (Possibly the worst pick up line ever.)

CROWNS:  0 out of 5