7th Heaven (guest)

January 9, 2010 at 11:13 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE:  7th Heaven

GUEST:  Scot West

NUTSHELL:  An egotistical freelance sewer worker who spends his days hauling piss-soaked rags out of the effluvia with a stick meets a self-critical guttersnipe who whores around and gets regularly whipped with a quirt by her Femdom, absinthe-addict sister. Co-dependency, crane shots, blindness, and World War I ensues.

GOOD THINGS:  Freaking unbelievable seven-story crane shot. Janet Gaynor stripping down to her unmentionables. Discovery Channel-like documentary segments on the elaborate pressure-washing equipment used by fin de siecle Parisian streetsweepers to hose rubbish, horse dung, and Janet Gaynor out of the gutter.

BAD THINGS:  The guy playing “Rat,” who perfectly filled the niche of Early Twentieth Century John Leguizamo, which I’m not convinced is a niche that really demanded to be filled. The way the wistful little love story about two of life’s downtrodden suddenly stopped cold so the director could shoehorn in a four-reel-long recreation of the Battle of the Marne, complete with massive artillery, miles of trenches, thousands of extras, and a bunch of Matchbox cars. The way the hero promises to die, then reneges, then goes blind, then suddenly turns into Daredevil, the Man Without Fear, able to navigate his way at high speed through the massive Armistice Day crowds thronging the twisting backstreets of Paris with the unerring instinct of a bat.

FEATURES:  Janet Gaynor, Charles Farrell, women choking and whipping each other, cohabitation without benefit of clergy, sunken-eyed blondes with a jones for absinthe, the Western Front, characters dunked in the sewer and showered with the contents of chamberpots, the maiming of various sanitation workers, and (per Laura) “the hero’s frightening Kramer hair.”

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well, it’s over two hours long, and I saw it at the Silent Movie Theater, so after the first hour or so I was pretty much constantly uncomfortable, but I think that was due less to the content of the film, and more to an increasing lividity in the nether regions. Although I was kind of disturbed by the one part when the Huns are marching on Paris, and the hero’s friend confesses that he’s been keeping the fact there’s a World War on from his wife.

NOTABLE:  This movie amazingly predicted the whole Internet porn thing, since the first five minutes contained virtually every fetish on Persian Kitty: upskirt shots, voyeurs, Femdom, BDSM, drunken sluts, golden showers (the chamberpot thing), small-breasted petites, whores, erotic asphyixia, etc.

BEST PART:  When Janet’s sister chokes her out and she lays unconscious in the gutter for half an hour while nearby freelance sewer workers complain that her incontinence is putting them off their feed.

BEST LINE:  Nothing can keep Chico blind for long!

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

Entry filed under: Classic, Guest Review, ScotWest.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (guest) 7th Heaven

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