January 10, 2010 at 9:06 pm Leave a comment


NUTSHELL:  You’re at the mall and you vaguely see someone waving at you from the opposite end of the building. But you’re a bit nearsighted and they’re coming out of Hot Topic and who can possibly be waving at you from Hot Topic? Maybe they are not even waving at you? But they’re waving and waving and you can’t really see but maybe they are waving. frantically? You really can’t tell and by now you’ve walked past Claire’s and the Macy*s Home Store and OME you are even past the Relax the Back Store too.

GOOD THINGS:  And now that you’re close, you see the person, they are there and waving generally in a definitely non-frantic but maybe more of a languid sort of way and they start saying something. You think, wow what can they have to say that’s so important that I have to spend all this time walking all the way across the maul and I’m already past Hold Everything so I think maybe I’ve actually gone back in time i’ve walked so far.

BAD THINGS:  But you are going past Aahs! and you can’t hear what the heck this person is saying so you walk and walk and OME a Macy*s Men’s store.

FEATURES:  How many Macy*s are there now that have feasted on deceased I. Magnins and Broadways and Buffumses?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  But finally you are all the way at the other end of the maul and you can tell because there’s the Islands (you are in the suburbs) and the person says, “HI! I’m at the mall shopping today too!” which you already knew. And you ask what’s going on and they tell you that they just came out of Hot Topic, which you already knew. And that you are both at the mall shopping on the same day and Hot Topic is really a store for teenagers that neither of you has any business being in because you don’t know what “Stupid Lamb” means.

NOTABLE:  But you already know that too.

BEST PART:  They remark on how far you walked and how long it took and how loud the maul is and how it’s hard to hear and you already know that too and it’s been two hours, plus you are missing eight dollars and feel mildly sad inside but nothing more than usual. In fact you feel exactly the same as you did when you started but moreso if it’s possible to feel exactly the same but more.

BEST LINE:  “Is that bologna?” (from audience)

CROWNS:  1 out of 5

Entry filed under: Firebaton review.

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