The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

MOVIE:  The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

NUTSHELL:  Morgan Spurlock’s looksee into product placement and how marketing, like Elvis, is everywhere.

GOOD THINGS:  Pretty interesting and funny.  It is occasionally delightful despite being also horrifying and ultimately depressing. 

BAD THINGS:  I don’t need to hear from Ben Silverman, John Wells, Ralph Nader, Donald Trump or Brett Ratner anymore, even if they’re being mocked. 

FEATURES:  Noam Chomsky, Peter Berg, J.J. Abrams, Ok Go, Big Boi, Sao Paulo  

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Entire film is very nervous-making.  I mean, you knew the marketing was there already, right?  And yet…  Also, WTH is Sheetz?

NOTABLE:  I still kept with my original plan and went to 7-11™ afterwards to buy a Senor Chang™ (Hangover 2™) Blue Raspberry Fanta™ Super Big Gulp™ Slurpee™. 

BEST PART:  Spurlock’s continued giggling over Mane ‘n Tail

BEST LINE:  “So this is like the Inception of documentaries.”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

 

May 13, 2011 at 11:33 pm Leave a comment

Chicago (guest 2)

Movie:  Chicago

Guest :  Alpha Zebra

Nutshell:  Ambitious girl winds up in hot water over death of lover, takes full advantage of situation from behind bars.

Good Things:  Academy Award nominees Renee Zellweger and Queen Latifah, Academy Award winner Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rob Marshall’s brilliant adaptation of the musical, John C. Reilly singing Mr. Cellophane, music, costumes, choreography, dancing, art production, cinematography….

Bad Things:  None I can think of

Features:  Actors not known for musicals stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park

Uncomfortable Moments:  The girl I saw this movie with seething with envy over everything about the delicious dish that IS Renee Zellweger

Notable:  Queen Latifah stealing the show with her big number, then John C. Reilly stealing the show with “Mr. Cellophane”

Best Part:  Renee Z. playing mannequin on Richard Gere’s lap for the press -that is a difficult thing to pull off well, and the two of them were transcendent.

Best Line:  “When you’re strokin’ Mama…. MAMA’S strokin’ you!”

Crowns:  5 out of 5

May 12, 2011 at 10:22 am Leave a comment

Eragon

MOVIE:  Eragon

NUTSHELL:  Dragon movie + Directed by a visual effects guy x Book written by a teenaged boy = Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

GOOD THINGS:  I was 20 minutes late to this movie and only saw it because I had to kill time and the only alternatives were seeing Rocky Balboa or staring into space for two hours.

BAD THINGS:  Scandalously rampant scenery chewing by all involved except for the 18-year-old lead actor (with the acting chops of an 11-year-old Rupert Grint) who is unable to do anything except intermittently make big eyes.

FEATURES:  Begbie as the evil sorcerer!, John Malkovich as King Bellatrix (can that be right?), Djimon Hounsou, female dragon who is voiced in a manner that brings to mind Upstairs, Downstairs rather than… oh… say, a dragon movie?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The ticket sellers tried to talk me out of going into the movie late but I assured them that I knew there was something about an egg that won’t hatch unless the rider’s there, etc. Then they only had a golf pencil or that marker that verifies $50 bills fo

NOTABLE:  There’s apparently a location in the world of Eragon called Eve Arden that the characters spend most of the movie trying to get to. More importantly, they talk about getting to Eve Arden the rest of the time which is funnier than you can imagine.

BEST PART:  There is a shot of the dragon in fancy armor that makes her look like a demented beagle in a cloche hat and this made me laugh several times during the movie and for at least a week afterwards.

BEST LINE:  First you must learn the ancient language of the elves!

CROWNS:  1 out of 5


May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am Leave a comment

Poseidon

MOVIE:  Poseidon

NUTSHELL:  A “rogue wave” upturns a hideous cruise ship on New Year’s Eve and a group of non-characters try to find their way to safety.

GOOD THINGS:  A wasted Andre Braugher, a couple of nice, tense sequences, fireballs, Das Boot lighting in bridge area

BAD THINGS:  Kevin Dillon, Fergie, Jimmy Bennett as the greasy kid stuff, Mia Maestro, no Bingo, no cruise ship jokes? Oh the humanity!

FEATURES:  Kurt Russell, Emmy Rossum, Josh Lucas, Jacinda Barrett, Freddy Rodriguez, dancing, 25% of the Black Eyed Peas, inexplicable, unexpected, unneeded backstory when you least expect it

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Richard Dreyfuss as a gay, Kevin Dillon in a puffy shirt, watching Fergie get higher billing than Andre Braugher

NOTABLE:  It is very hard to make a movie about a cruise ship that I don’t like. But here it is!

BEST PART:  There’s a diving into fire thing that’s ok.

BEST LINE:  They just opened the elevator with a spatula. Write that down. Actually that was me talking during the movie.

CROWNS:  2 out of 5


May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am Leave a comment

Old School

MOVIE:  Old School

NUTSHELL:  Uber-silly thing about a jilted boyfriend who moves into a house by the university and, due to rezoning, needs to be sanctioned by the University and do college-related stuff. So he and his middle-aged buddies decide to start a fraternity. This makes perfect sense to me, actually.

GOOD THINGS:  Luke Wilson, Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn doing the Vince Vaughn thing, Hottie Elisha Cuthbert, Sara Tanaka, funny parts

BAD THINGS:  Jeremy Piven doing the Jeremy Piven thing, Juliette Lewis, cl*wns, strung together script that sort of phones it in in between funny parts

FEATURES:  Craig Kilborn, Ellen Pompeo, Andy Dick in a Davy Jones wig, Seann William Scott in a Dirt Boy wig, James Carville, Leah Remini, Snoop Dogg, and Patrick Cranshaw as Blue

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well there’s gross stuff and people getting their bits pulled off but it could have been a lot worse.

NOTABLE:  PCU was less than 10 years ago and Jeremy Piven is already the Dean?!?

BEST PART:  The Athletic competition

BEST LINE:  Love, it’s a mother fucker, huh? -or- We are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. I’m talking like crazy boy band ass.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am Leave a comment

The Guardian

MOVIE:  The Guardian

NUTSHELL:  While rehabilitating after a gruesome accident, a veteran Coast Guard rescue swimmer trains a new class of cadets including a talented competitive swimmer.

GOOD THINGS:  Ashton Kutcher mostly wet and/or shirtless, solid story and performances, Sela Ward, Dulé Hill, bar fights, directorial restraint

BAD THINGS:  Weird musical interludes, bloody noses, death & gruesome accidents at sea with the Gorton’s fishermen, John “doughy guys uber alles” Heard

FEATURES:  Ice, Clancy Brown, Brian Geraghty, Melissa Sagemiller, wedding crashing, CGI uniforms, Neal McDonough

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The weird constantly pontificating lady at the bar who also sings Cajun (?) music was way too much for me.

NOTABLE:  I guess these are the guys who try to rescue all the meatheads on Deadliest Catch.

BEST PART:  Testosterone-fueled witty repartée during basic training FOREVER!

BEST LINE:  Good Golly, you could have been killed.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

May 11, 2011 at 11:33 am 1 comment

Head of State

MOVIE:  Head of State

NUTSHELL:  Hilarious tale in which an obscure councilman from Washington D.C. is asked to run for President by the Democratic Party and decides to do it his way.

GOOD THINGS:  Chris Rock writing, starring, and directing, Conan O’Brien, Nate Dogg as Greek Chorus, Dylan Baker, Tracy Morgan

BAD THINGS:  The Robin Givens storyline – bah!

FEATURES:  Player’s Ball, Teamsters, Super Whores, Ray Clark as the decoy, Mario Joyner, Gamma Singer, Stephanie March, Nick Searcy, Lynn Whitfield, Tamala Jones, James Rebhorn, Keith David

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Lynn Whitfield’s hair – I mean, wtf?

NOTABLE:  Everyone says I’m biased because Bernie Mac’s in this but really really really – it’s hilarious!

BEST PART:  The campaign commercials

BEST LINE:  It was off the hizzle for shizzle.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

May 11, 2011 at 11:32 am Leave a comment

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