Oscars Menu 2013 – Great news, you guys!

Excellent news this year.  It’s finally appropriate to just pick up something from the Smokehouse and call it a day in honor of ARGO.  Yes there are 8 other movies but, are they really worth cooking anything?

 

Quail is mentioned in LINCOLN and apparently Lincoln liked apples but since this is really just a play that was accidentally filmed, it doesn’t exactly qualify as a movie.

 

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK mentions “crabby snacks and homemades” and Fire-and-Ice Cake so you can go with that.  But I don’t know what those are and Silver Linings Playbook is just a romcom with schizophrenics.

 

I didn’t see LIFE OF PI because it isn’t my thing but the book sounds very good.  You could have sushi, Tigers Milk bars, rice with gravy or actual pie I suppose.

 

ZERO DARK THIRTY has a scene where people eat ice cream cones but it’s not exactly the chocolate pie from The Help, is it?

 

LES MISERABLES calls for a stolen baguette joke but hopefully you remembered that from high school and didn’t have to actually sit through the movie which is ridiculous.

 

In AMOUR they have a frisee salad, croissants and coffee with milk but I don’t want my party guests thinking about staring into the abyss of death more than they usually do, so maybe skip it.

 

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD – Hushpuppies are the first thing that come to mind and will probably go down so much better than the actual movie with it’s teenaged filmmakers who think “Benh” is short of Benjamin and a six year old who behaves “as if she’s not even acting” is something to be excited about.

 

Characters talk about “white cake” in DJANGO UNCHAINED.  I guess they are meant to be jokes or ironic or something because seriously it’s referred to so many times.  But I can’t make heads or tails of it and also why make your guests think about such an unpleasant copy of other unpleasant movies that were at least original.

February 8, 2013 at 5:53 pm Leave a comment

Oscars 2012 Shitty movie death march / Dessert buffet

It’s Oscar time and I can’t remember the last time I hated more of the Best Picture nominees.  As a result, my yearly Oscars party themed buffet is not inspired like it sometimes is.  This year the spread instead mirrors my death march through watching so many horrible movies this winter. 

I am going with a dessert buffet since it’s easier for everyone to pick up one item and a lot on the list can be picked up at the bakery or store.  It’s important this year to properly assign dishes to guests so you don’t just end up with 12 chocolate pies that no one will eat. 

 War Horse – Since I can’t think of any turnip desserts, I’d go with oat cookies or bars and maybe serve with some Devonshire cream.  I suppose Joey might have also liked carrot cake but if you have a British store near you and can get Hob Nobs and Devonshire cream, that would be awesome obviously.

 The Artist – You could do the breakfast item (parfait?) that the main character does schtick with in the scene that rips off Citizen Kane if you like your guests.  However, if you are really going for the soul of the movie, you will put some boring French cheese on a plate and add a gimmick like edible gold leaf or those silver ball cake decorations that are ultimately unpalatable, hurt your teeth and kill you slowly upon ingestion.

 The Help – Chocolate Cream Pie is the obvious choice.  No one will eat this so you don’t have to worry if it’s good or not. 

 Hugo – Croissants and milk would be really cute especially if you can get a little urchin obsessed with clocks and robots to steal them.

 Moneyball – This calls for Cracker Jack, Twinkies or some other junk food Billy Beane hoovers up in the movie.  This is a great choice to give to the guest who calls from the gas station on his way to the party and asks if anyone wants Cactus Cooler or a tall boy.

 Descendents – If you have overachieving guests, you could have them make Malasadas but ice cream is the easier and more significant food item from the movie.

 Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Go for New York black and white cookies and it will be the only positive thing that ever came out of this movie. 

 Tree of Life – Skillet corn bread is a down homey sort of thing I can picture on those plates at the dinner table.  It’s not easy to pick a dessert for this one.  Candy dinosaurs?  Cupcakes with butterflies? 

 Midnight in Paris – This is for you the host to buy champagne which makes for a festive party anyway.  I suggest a case per guest in order to make Billy Crystal and the horrible movies that will inevitably win awards go down easy.  If there are Harry Potter fans coming over you may need tranquilizers so be a good host and plan ahead.

February 5, 2012 at 6:19 pm Leave a comment

Bridesmaids

MOVIE:  Bridesmaids

NUTSHELL:  Wedding-related shenanigans get out of control when the unraveling Maid of Honor feels threatened by the Bride’s new friend.

GOOD THINGS:  Wendi, McLendon-Covey, Chris O’Dowd, Rose Byrne, Ellie Kemper, best use of a song since Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Annie Mumolo

BAD THINGS:  If you’ve been part of a debauched bridal party or had a female friend, this movie is one of those things that can be too true to life to totally enjoy.  Then again if either of the above describes you, you might actually enjoy it even more like I did.

FEATURES:  Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig,  Jill Clayburgh, Melissa McCarthy

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The engagement party toasts are not up to the level of pain of Mike’s answering machine messages in Swingers but almost.     

NOTABLE:  I love this movie for its understanding of the battleground that womens’ friendships can become and the male cast of the movie is one I’d want to have in every movie:   Chris O’Dowd, Jon Hamm, Matt Lucas, Franklin Ajaye, , Ben Falcone, Terry Crews (!!!!), Michael Hitchcock and Tim Heidecker     

BEST PART:   The airplane scene is my favorite scene in a long time.   

BEST LINE:  “Fuck off, Helen.”       

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

May 15, 2011 at 4:25 pm Leave a comment

Thor

MOVIE:  Thor

NUTSHELL:  Thor is in so much trouble, you guys! 

GOOD THINGS:  Clark Gregg, Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba and Jeremy Renner as either Hawkeye or Bullseye (unfortunately I can only think of Alan Alda and a cartoon horse when I think of those names)

BAD THINGS:  Anthony Hopkins gadding about to an acute degree.  One of the Hemsworths who reminds me that we have run out of American actors and thus have to deal with unappealing Australians from now on.

FEATURES:  Natalie Portman, Colm Feore

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Tom Hiddleston in his big boy helmet.  You will always be Magnus being totally irritated by Wallander to me.  

NOTABLE:  Make time to stay after the credits for an additional scene that I didn’t understand but you might.    

BEST PART:  Direction by Kenneth Branagh which is the only reason I saw this movie.   

BEST LINE:  He’s a complicated fellow, isn’t he! 

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

 

May 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm Leave a comment

The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

MOVIE:  The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

NUTSHELL:  Morgan Spurlock’s looksee into product placement and how marketing, like Elvis, is everywhere.

GOOD THINGS:  Pretty interesting and funny.  It is occasionally delightful despite being also horrifying and ultimately depressing. 

BAD THINGS:  I don’t need to hear from Ben Silverman, John Wells, Ralph Nader, Donald Trump or Brett Ratner anymore, even if they’re being mocked. 

FEATURES:  Noam Chomsky, Peter Berg, J.J. Abrams, Ok Go, Big Boi, Sao Paulo  

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Entire film is very nervous-making.  I mean, you knew the marketing was there already, right?  And yet…  Also, WTH is Sheetz?

NOTABLE:  I still kept with my original plan and went to 7-11™ afterwards to buy a Senor Chang™ (Hangover 2™) Blue Raspberry Fanta™ Super Big Gulp™ Slurpee™. 

BEST PART:  Spurlock’s continued giggling over Mane ‘n Tail

BEST LINE:  “So this is like the Inception of documentaries.”

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

 

May 13, 2011 at 11:33 pm Leave a comment

Chicago (guest 2)

Movie:  Chicago

Guest :  Alpha Zebra

Nutshell:  Ambitious girl winds up in hot water over death of lover, takes full advantage of situation from behind bars.

Good Things:  Academy Award nominees Renee Zellweger and Queen Latifah, Academy Award winner Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rob Marshall’s brilliant adaptation of the musical, John C. Reilly singing Mr. Cellophane, music, costumes, choreography, dancing, art production, cinematography….

Bad Things:  None I can think of

Features:  Actors not known for musicals stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park

Uncomfortable Moments:  The girl I saw this movie with seething with envy over everything about the delicious dish that IS Renee Zellweger

Notable:  Queen Latifah stealing the show with her big number, then John C. Reilly stealing the show with “Mr. Cellophane”

Best Part:  Renee Z. playing mannequin on Richard Gere’s lap for the press -that is a difficult thing to pull off well, and the two of them were transcendent.

Best Line:  “When you’re strokin’ Mama…. MAMA’S strokin’ you!”

Crowns:  5 out of 5

May 12, 2011 at 10:22 am Leave a comment

Eragon

MOVIE:  Eragon

NUTSHELL:  Dragon movie + Directed by a visual effects guy x Book written by a teenaged boy = Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

GOOD THINGS:  I was 20 minutes late to this movie and only saw it because I had to kill time and the only alternatives were seeing Rocky Balboa or staring into space for two hours.

BAD THINGS:  Scandalously rampant scenery chewing by all involved except for the 18-year-old lead actor (with the acting chops of an 11-year-old Rupert Grint) who is unable to do anything except intermittently make big eyes.

FEATURES:  Begbie as the evil sorcerer!, John Malkovich as King Bellatrix (can that be right?), Djimon Hounsou, female dragon who is voiced in a manner that brings to mind Upstairs, Downstairs rather than… oh… say, a dragon movie?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The ticket sellers tried to talk me out of going into the movie late but I assured them that I knew there was something about an egg that won’t hatch unless the rider’s there, etc. Then they only had a golf pencil or that marker that verifies $50 bills fo

NOTABLE:  There’s apparently a location in the world of Eragon called Eve Arden that the characters spend most of the movie trying to get to. More importantly, they talk about getting to Eve Arden the rest of the time which is funnier than you can imagine.

BEST PART:  There is a shot of the dragon in fancy armor that makes her look like a demented beagle in a cloche hat and this made me laugh several times during the movie and for at least a week afterwards.

BEST LINE:  First you must learn the ancient language of the elves!

CROWNS:  1 out of 5


May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am Leave a comment

Poseidon

MOVIE:  Poseidon

NUTSHELL:  A “rogue wave” upturns a hideous cruise ship on New Year’s Eve and a group of non-characters try to find their way to safety.

GOOD THINGS:  A wasted Andre Braugher, a couple of nice, tense sequences, fireballs, Das Boot lighting in bridge area

BAD THINGS:  Kevin Dillon, Fergie, Jimmy Bennett as the greasy kid stuff, Mia Maestro, no Bingo, no cruise ship jokes? Oh the humanity!

FEATURES:  Kurt Russell, Emmy Rossum, Josh Lucas, Jacinda Barrett, Freddy Rodriguez, dancing, 25% of the Black Eyed Peas, inexplicable, unexpected, unneeded backstory when you least expect it

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Richard Dreyfuss as a gay, Kevin Dillon in a puffy shirt, watching Fergie get higher billing than Andre Braugher

NOTABLE:  It is very hard to make a movie about a cruise ship that I don’t like. But here it is!

BEST PART:  There’s a diving into fire thing that’s ok.

BEST LINE:  They just opened the elevator with a spatula. Write that down. Actually that was me talking during the movie.

CROWNS:  2 out of 5


May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am Leave a comment

Old School

MOVIE:  Old School

NUTSHELL:  Uber-silly thing about a jilted boyfriend who moves into a house by the university and, due to rezoning, needs to be sanctioned by the University and do college-related stuff. So he and his middle-aged buddies decide to start a fraternity. This makes perfect sense to me, actually.

GOOD THINGS:  Luke Wilson, Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn doing the Vince Vaughn thing, Hottie Elisha Cuthbert, Sara Tanaka, funny parts

BAD THINGS:  Jeremy Piven doing the Jeremy Piven thing, Juliette Lewis, cl*wns, strung together script that sort of phones it in in between funny parts

FEATURES:  Craig Kilborn, Ellen Pompeo, Andy Dick in a Davy Jones wig, Seann William Scott in a Dirt Boy wig, James Carville, Leah Remini, Snoop Dogg, and Patrick Cranshaw as Blue

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well there’s gross stuff and people getting their bits pulled off but it could have been a lot worse.

NOTABLE:  PCU was less than 10 years ago and Jeremy Piven is already the Dean?!?

BEST PART:  The Athletic competition

BEST LINE:  Love, it’s a mother fucker, huh? -or- We are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. I’m talking like crazy boy band ass.

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am Leave a comment

The Guardian

MOVIE:  The Guardian

NUTSHELL:  While rehabilitating after a gruesome accident, a veteran Coast Guard rescue swimmer trains a new class of cadets including a talented competitive swimmer.

GOOD THINGS:  Ashton Kutcher mostly wet and/or shirtless, solid story and performances, Sela Ward, Dulé Hill, bar fights, directorial restraint

BAD THINGS:  Weird musical interludes, bloody noses, death & gruesome accidents at sea with the Gorton’s fishermen, John “doughy guys uber alles” Heard

FEATURES:  Ice, Clancy Brown, Brian Geraghty, Melissa Sagemiller, wedding crashing, CGI uniforms, Neal McDonough

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The weird constantly pontificating lady at the bar who also sings Cajun (?) music was way too much for me.

NOTABLE:  I guess these are the guys who try to rescue all the meatheads on Deadliest Catch.

BEST PART:  Testosterone-fueled witty repartée during basic training FOREVER!

BEST LINE:  Good Golly, you could have been killed.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

May 11, 2011 at 11:33 am 1 comment

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