Posts filed under ‘Zero Crowns’

Coyote Ugly

MOVIE:  Coyote Ugly

NUTSHELL:  Look. I know my thing is that I write really brief, pithy reviews that are supposed to save time and be in a specific format so the reader can determine important things like whether or not Owen Wilson is in a movie or not.

GOOD THINGS:  But the fact is, I saw this movie two hours ago and I can’t really remember anything about it.

BAD THINGS:  Okay I remember that for sure there is either George Wendt, John Goodman or Charles Durning in it and for sure there are some girls dancing in halter tops and at one point they are pouring buckets of water on each other.

FEATURES:  I’m not trying to be flippant about this and I swear if I could recollect anything I’d offer it up.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  But really honestly there’s a blonde girl who is so cute you just want to strangle her with your bare hands and also the big guy.

NOTABLE:  I’m sure someone said some dialogue at some point and I’m sure there were some actors and they did things and maybe some music in the background playing.

BEST PART:  At one point the guy next to me said that he really hoped everything would work out for the couple in the movie and I remember thinking that was pretty funny.

BEST LINE:  But, I swear, I don’t remember why.

CROWNS:  And it’s not like i’m proud of it or something; I couldn’t be more embarassed. A lot of people in the movie had cowboy boots on. Sorry.

January 12, 2010 at 11:26 pm Leave a comment

8 1/2 Women (guest)

MOVIE:  8 1/2 women

GUEST:  Senor Fromage

NUTSHELL:  Grieving father and sexually ambivalent son try to emulate Fellini’s 8 1/2 in the father’s house after the mother dies.  Oh, and they have sex. Together.

GOOD THINGS:  They don’t actually show them having sex.

BAD THINGS:  They have sex together!!!

FEATURES:  Father and son incest. parapalegic sex. Pachinko machines.


NOTABLE:  duh.

BEST PART:  When the tape in the VCR kicked into rewind mode at the end and woke me up.

BEST LINE:  “Come here and stand naked in front of the mirror with me, Father. I want to see what I look like as an old man(sic).” (Possibly the worst pick up line ever.)

CROWNS:  0 out of 5

January 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm Leave a comment

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