Posts filed under ‘Owen Wilson’

Panic Room

MOVIE:  Panic Room

NUTSHELL:  The same night a recent divorcee and her young daughter move into an enormous home in Manhattan, three assholes invade looking for treasure that is unfortunately in the room where the mother and daughter are hiding from them.

GOOD THINGS:  Kristen Stewart, Jodie Foster, General Fincheryness, Forrest Whitaker, Dwight Yoakam who has strangely enough become talented and likeable even as a villain and even when he’s taunting Owen Wilson.

BAD THINGS:  Cornrows? Seriously, cornrows?? Camerawork is so show-offity that I was just rolling my eyes. I really don’t need to see shots go through the handle on a coffee mug. It’s been a while since a character was so annoying that I was overjoyed when they got popped. Creepy ex-husbands suck.

FEATURES:  Jared Leto, pointless androdgyny, bonds, Evian, mini fridges, Morse code, Patrick Bauchau, Ian Buchanan, New York’s finest, Nicole Kidman

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  It’s all pretty tense and I’m not just talking about that neighbor who had no business at all wearing a tank top. (Yeah sorry I never saw Se7en.)

NOTABLE:  Contains odd and incorrect reference to “Titanic.” Oh the horror.

BEST PART:  Ann Magnuson as a ritzy realtor. I don’t know it just made me feel better.

BEST LINE:  I’m Rauol.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:52 pm Leave a comment

Ocean’s Eleven

MOVIE:  Ocean’s Eleven

NUTSHELL:  Steven Soderbergh’s shiny, snazzy heist genre picture about … well it’s a heist genre picture.

GOOD THINGS:  Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Casey Affleck with rather hilarious hair, Bernie Mac, George Clooney, beeyooteeful skyline views of Las Vegas, nice tight plot (sorta), Brad Pitt (as Rusty – hahahaaha!) and Matt Damon (as Linus – HAHAHAAHAHA!) who I think officially don’t annoy me anymore.

BAD THINGS:  Dog Racing, Elliott Gould in an accurate but still disturbing pimp-daddy casino bigwig ensemble, Scott Caan again with the chin, Don Cheadle with a garbled cockney accent for no reason

FEATURES:  Dubious technology demonstrations, Evel Knievel jokes, feuding twins, room service, cctv, Tums, Julia Roberts, Jerry Weintraub, power outages, Angie Dickinson, the Sands explosion, Shaobo Qin, Lennox Lewis, Andy Garcia and Topher Grace, Joshua Jackson and Holly Marie Combs playing they own geeky selves at Deep.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  I’m not sure why but I started laughing uncontrollably during the Chinese acrobats part.

NOTABLE:  Okay two things. First of all I think the twins were originally supposed to be played by Luke and Owen Wilson so I’m sorry I missed that. And secondly Brad Pitt eats his way through this movie and I’m sure it was on purpose but he eats everything all the time. That’s his character thing – he eats all the time. (Matt Damon’s character thing is that he chews gum so I guess it could have been worse.)

BEST PART:  Either the 1987 casino heist or the racist NGC interrogation of Bernie Mac (“You might as well call it Whitejack!”)

BEST LINE:  I’m gonna get down out of this truck and drop you like 3rd period French.

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:51 pm Leave a comment

Mission Impossible II

MOVIE:  Mission Impossible II

NUTSHELL:  A spy and an Australian mercenary fight over a homely girl and also something about a virus and some face masks.


BAD THINGS:  Film asks that famous musical question, “How is it possible to sneak up on someone in a helicopter?”

FEATURES:  Ving Rhames, some guy who looks exactly like Ewan MacGregor without the orange head, Anthony Hopkins, no Owen Wilson

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Fearing for the sanity of Robert Towne again

NOTABLE:  Film bucks the time-honored inertia rule that calls for building from routine fisticuffs to two-fisted gunplay to large explosions by starting with a plane crashing into the Rockies and building to Ewan MacGregory guy and Tom Cruise pulling each other’s hair.

BEST PART:  Tom Cruise is shot and killed.

BEST LINE:  You whacked-out Russian gypsy!

CROWNS:  1/2 out of 5 and that’s only because of Ving Rhames and his Jack Lemmon outburst that time

January 13, 2010 at 10:50 pm Leave a comment

Miss Congeniality

MOVIE:  Miss Congeniality

NUTSHELL:  Finally a movie for me.

GOOD THINGS:  FBI Agent Sandra Bullock goes undercover as a beauty queen. ’nuff said.

BAD THINGS:  Duh.  None.  (Oh.  No Owen Wilson.)

FEATURES:  Benjamin Bratt, William Shatner, Candice Bergen, Michael Caine, Ernie Hudson, spray adhesive, donuts, wrestling, computer shenanigans, Texas

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Sort of quite a lot of ass-kicking

NOTABLE:  Not since Free Enterprise has Shatner not ruined a movie.

BEST PART:  Two words:  Fire baton!

BEST LINE:  Take it easy, 5-0.


January 13, 2010 at 10:49 pm Leave a comment

Men in Black II

MOVIE:  Men in Black II

NUTSHELL:  Brief, servicable and cute sequel to the 1997 flick about a secret government agency that deals with alien relations and more often than not saves Earth. I liked this better than the first one. That is not saying much but it’s important that if you are going to see this movie that you go now because it’s so chock-full of pop culture in jokes that it won’t make any sense in a year.

GOOD THINGS:  Singing dogs! Need I say more? Okay, Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rip Torn, David Cross as a video store clerk/conspiracy theorist, Lara Flynn Boyle in lingerie, Biz Markie as a postal worker, Patrick Warburton as an emotional ex-Marine and failed MiB agent

BAD THINGS:  Johnny Knoxville being gross, Tony Shalhoub’s yucky makeup again, postal workers, no Owen Wilson (but I did see the trailer for I Spy before the movie started – wheeeeee!!!!)

FEATURES:  Rosario Dawson, a shiny, happy plot which is astonishing in its barely-thereness, Peter Graves, freaks on bikes, faux TV reenactments, a girl that looks like Natalie Portman but isn’t I don’t think

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  God help us there’s nothing like a Michael Jackson cameo to yank you right out of the movie and make you want to run all the way home.

NOTABLE:  1) Of the 88 minutes of the film, at least 1/4th of that is made up of agressive phone, watch, and Mercedes product placement.

2) Singing dog steals the movie. Okay maybe that’s not a shocker but it’s a hands down win. There is just nothing else that holds a candle to the singing dog.

3) Another gratuitious director cameo – please spare us.

BEST PART:  Patrick Warburton – how I love him but he’s barely in it.

BEST LINE:  The Botons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. Did they throw snowballs at you?

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:48 pm Leave a comment

Meet the Parents

MOVIE:  Meet the Parents

NUTSHELL:  Boyfriend goes home with his potential fiancee to battle her scary dad

GOOD THINGS:  Owen Wilson and a fluffy cat that does tricks (finally a movie for me!), also a great, funny script

BAD THINGS:  Difficult to suspend disbelief enough to consider main female character broke up with Owen

FEATURES:  Robert DeNiro, Blythe Danner, Ben Stiller, the girl from Mystery Date

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Sewage overflow… eeewwww!

NOTABLE:  Robert DeNiro being funny and loving up on a kitty cat

BEST PART:  Car “race”

BEST LINE:  As long as you don’t tell anyone for the rest of your life, you’re in no immediate danger.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:47 pm Leave a comment

The Last Detail

MOVIE:  The Last Detail

NUTSHELL:  Two Petty Officers take a Seamen to jail and drink Schlitz.

GOOD THINGS:  Marine jokes, Navy jokes, Marine vs. Navy jokes, out of nowhere Gilda Radner cameo

BAD THINGS:  Audience member yelling his head off every time Nicholson says something “kewl”

FEATURES:  Randy Quaid, Otis Young, no Owen Wilson

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  None really, just concern for the yelling audience member

NOTABLE:  Was considered an anti-war film and shelved for nearly a year before it was released.

BEST PART:  Restroom rumble with Marines.

BEST LINE:  I AM the motherfucking shore patrol!

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:46 pm Leave a comment

Kissing Jessica Stein

MOVIE:  Kissing Jessica Stein

NUTSHELL:  An uptight copy editor learns to be not as uptight and not a copy editor after she starts a lesbian affair with a quirky, earthy art gallery manager.

GOOD THINGS:  Witty and charmy comedy and great performances. The girls are really just so cute and even though the male lead is sort of unappealing, it’s really not about that so okay? Okay!

BAD THINGS:  Not enough JM J Bullock and, sadly, no Owen Wilson

FEATURES:  The lovely and multi-talented Jennifer Westfeldt and Heather Juergensen, Tovah Feldshuh, malapropisms, email posturing, bike messenger sex, Kevin “Wet Hot American Summer” Sussman as “Calculator Guy”, a wedding, “Wet Hot American Summer’s” Michael Showalter, Scott Cohen, Zabar’s

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  “It’s not me! It’s not me! It’s not me!” breakdown scene. Eeeeesh.

NOTABLE:  Contains cigar store Indian and a character called “Weird Smooth Guy”

BEST PART:  Bad date montage – especially JM J BULLOCK!

BEST LINE:  “We’re not in a relationship; we’re in a situation.”


“What do you do to be happy?”

“Nothing. I’m not.”


“I would love to see you twirl in that dress.”

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:45 pm Leave a comment

I Spy


NUTSHELL:  Cute, awful, by the book thing about a spy and a drafted civilian sports star foiling a threat of world destruction by… oh screw it it’s two mismatched, racially mixed, wisecracking spies.  The end.

GOOD THINGS:  Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, hijinks, wacky japery, shenanigans, Budapest as itself

BAD THINGS:  Oh stop with the bs about how this is based on the TV series, it has nothing to do with it and you know it.  And with 8 writers with screen credits, it probably has nothing to do with the original script either.

FEATURES:  Malcolm McDowell, Phill Lewis, Sugar Ray Leonard and Blake “The Blade” Lirette as Himself (the hell?)

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  I know everyone though it was funny but the Owen Wilson doing Sexual Healing thing almost gave me death by cringing.

NOTABLE:  I don’t like that Famke Janssen and am 100% okay with her always being a villain in case anyone’s keeping track.  Can we also keep Gary  Cole out of movies entirely?  Between Office Space, this movie, the Brady Bunch movies, Family Affair, One Hour Photo and The Gift, I JUST CAN’T TAKE THE CREEPINESS ANYMORE!

BEST PART:  Eddie Murphy’s drunk act.  Heh heh.

BEST LINE:  Stalin’s Butt!  He tricked us!

CROWNS:  2 out of 5 (both for Owen)

January 13, 2010 at 10:44 pm 1 comment


MOVIE:  Gladiator

NUTSHELL:  Blood, Gore, Incest and Revenge during the Roman Empire

GOOD THINGS:  Oliver Reed, Djimon Hounsou, Derek Jacobi

BAD THINGS:  Distractingly funny actor names:  John Schrapnel, Spencer Treat Clark, Sven-Ole, Joaquin

FEATURES:  Cutie Pie Killer Dawg, Huns, crowns

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Joaquin Phoenix threatening to eat the entire set, Incest

NOTABLE:  Connie Neilsen was in Rushmore, co-written by Owen Wilson

BEST PART:  When Maximus brings his wacky bands of misfits together as a team to slaughter some Roman keister

BEST LINE:  I am Maximus, etc. etc.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 10:43 pm Leave a comment

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