Posts filed under ‘Nathan Arizona’

The Scorpion King (guest)

MOVIE: The Scorpion King

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: The Mummy: Episode I: Attack of the Rock. Okay, not really.

GOOD THINGS: It’s only about 90 minutes long. Most of the fight scenes are good, especially the one in the cave during the sandstorm.

BAD THINGS: The script, the direction, and performances, all which fail to take full advantage of The Rock’s potential to be a tongue-in-cheek action hero.

FEATURES: Kelly Hu always almost naked. Michael Clarke Duncan being a bad-assed Nubian king. CGI fireants. Sandstorms. The city of Gamorrah as the evil King Memnon’s home base.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: More than 80 percent of the dialogue.

NOTABLE: The Rock gets at least one chance to do that “People’s Eyebrow” thing he does on Smackdown, Raw, and all those other WWF shows.

BEST PART: The Rock and Michael Clarke Duncan launch into a sword fight and immediately break their swords, so it quickly degenerates into wrestling match, which is what we all really want to see the The Rock do, anyway.

BEST LINE: You mean this movie had a script? Look, I know The Rock has potential. He’s been on Saturday Night Live at least twice and he’s been REALLY FUNNY, but that’s when he has real comedy writers to benefit him. This movie should have been campy fun, like a 90-minute episode of Xena, but instead it comes off as something destined to be lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000 (if only that show were still on the air).

CROWNS: 2 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 1:35 pm Leave a comment

Red Dragon (guest)

MOVIE: Red Dragon

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Silence of the Lambs: Episode I: The Phantom Cannibal.” No, not really. Based on Thomas Harris’ FIRST novel featuring Hannibal Lecter, this movie is made in the style of “Silence of the Lambs,” creating a much moodier film than 1986’s “Manhunter,” which was more like “Hannibal Lecter meets Miami Vice.

GOOD THINGS: Anthony Hopkins and his gourmet flair, Ed Norton, Anthony Heald reprising his weasely portrayal of Dr. Frederick Chilton, and Ralph Fiennes as Number One Whack Job Francis Dolarhyde.

BAD THINGS: I hate to list it as a bad thing, because his performance was first-rate, but I just don’t buy Harvey Keitel as straight-up G-man Jack Crawford. Maybe I’ve seen him too often in films like “Pulp Fiction,” “Reservoir Dogs,” and “Bad Lieutenant.”

FEATURES: The same sets as “Silence,” the same screenwriter as “Silence,” some of the same actors in secondary and even tertiary roles (Chilton and Barney) as in “Silence,” and that’s the first time I have EVER used the word “tertiary” in conversation.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Um, just about everything dealing with Francis Dolarhyde’s crimes. Compared to him, Hannibal Lecter can only be considered a tad odd.

NOTABLE: Seriously, Dolarhyde is the most messed-up character Thomas Harris has ever created. Removing people’s organs and serving them up at a dinner party for art patrons is an absolute giggle compared to what this guy does to his victims.

BEST PART: Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party. Yum!

BEST LINE: To be honest, I was too creeped out to remember any. Pretty much all of Hopkins’ lines were the best. Hannibal Lecter is just a quote-generating machine.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5 fava beans and a nice Chianti!

January 13, 2010 at 1:30 pm Leave a comment

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (guest)

MOVIE: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Ethnic girl shocks family by falling in love with a WASP with bad hair.

GOOD THINGS: Parthenon jokes, ouzo jokes, SCTV’s Andrea Martin… if only they could have found a role for Joe Flaherty, but this was a movie about a Greek family, not an Irish one.

BAD THINGS: Stuffy WASPs. We’re not all THAT bad, honest! (Oh you are SO! – Ed.)

FEATURES: Greek pride in being the inventors of civilization. A bunch of people I mostly have never heard of… reviewers who end sentences with prepositions.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Female facial hair jokes. LOOK, I’M JUST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT, OKAY?

NOTABLE: Other themes that work: My Big Fat Italian Wedding, My Big Fat Irish Wedding, My Big Fat Caribbean Wedding, My Big Fat Cajun Wedding. Curiously enough, My Big Fat Canadian Wedding just doesn’t sound as interesting.

BEST PART: Lead character’s family gets in-laws-to-be drunk on ouzo. Been there, and it ain’t pretty.

BEST LINE: “Nice boobs” (subtitled)

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 1:14 pm Leave a comment

Gross Pointe Blank (guest)

MOVIE: Grosse Pointe Blank

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Professional killer Martin Blank goes on a job in Detroit, takes a side trip to his high school reunion, and hilarity and bloodshed ensues.

GOOD THINGS: Killer ’80s music, succesfully blends genres of romance, comedy, and action — in fact, it’s probably got the highest body count of any film that can be considered a “date movie.”

BAD THINGS: None that I could find

FEATURES: John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Dan Akroyd, Jeremy Piven, Cusack’s sisters Joan and Ann, Alan Arkin

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: None, unless you’re bothered by the amorality of killing people for money.

NOTABLE: Even though you can’t hit a damn thing by firing two handguns at one time, it still looks freakin’ cool in a movie. (Hey two-fisted gunplay is my life! – ed.)

BEST PART: Cusack and Piven disposing of a body to the music of Nena’s “99 Luftballons.”

BEST LINE: Thanks for the pen.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 12:51 pm Leave a comment

From Hell (guest)

MOVIE: From Hell

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: A Hughes Bros. film about violence, pimps, prostitutes, and drugs. Only instead of being set in South Central L.A., it’s set in 1880s in Whitechapel London. Oh yeah, and Jack the Ripper is on the loose.

GOOD THINGS: Robbie Coltrane, Heather Graham, dark and moody and I’ve always been a Jack the Ripper-phile anyway.

BAD THINGS: English teeth, brutal violence, and Johnny Depp’s English accent seems just a tad forced. F

EATURES: Conspiracy theories, 19th-century lobotomies, the Elephant Man, Queen Victoria, Freemason initiation rituals

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Jack’s last murder, hookers with bad teeth

NOTABLE: Heather Graham plays a prostitute, and somehow where supposed to believe she can’t raise the one lousy pound a week it takes to keep her pimp happy. Not to mention not that many hookers in Whitechapel in the 1880s could have had pefect hair, perfect teeth, etc.

BEST PART: Never has the cliché of the young, inexperienced police guy vomiting when he sees a dead body been so funny.

BEST LINE: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 12:08 am Leave a comment

Blade II (guest)

MOVIE: Blade II

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Shaft! Only more bad-assed!

GOOD THINGS: Wesley Snipes, Leonor Varela, lots of asskicking, and gory gross vampires that are so mean, they even eat other vampires.(!)

BAD THINGS: Blade’s hip hop, wisecracking, weapons-expert sidekick. Insufficient explanation for resurrecting Kris Kristofferson’s character from the first movie (am I asking too much of a movie based on a comic book?). But at least his wisecracking, weapons-expert character is better than the guy mentioned above.

FEATURES: Bloodsucking, neckchomping, eviscerating… disintegrations, explosions, decapitations, even trepannation! Veteran character actor Ron Perlman, Wesley Snipes being an all-around badass muthaf– (Shut yo’ mouth!) But I’m just talkin’ ’bout Blade! We can dig it!

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: There was some weird shit going on at the vampire safe house/disco. Yikes!

NOTABLE: All the people in the theater who brought their kids to the film. Not teenagers, either – I’m talking kids under 6. HELLO? The movie is rated R for a reason. Christ!

BEST PART: All the fight scenes, and the part where you see why the Reapers have the same scar on their chins. (Another reason not to bring SIX YEAR OLDS to the film.)

BEST LINE: I was just beginning to like him!

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 12, 2010 at 11:11 pm Leave a comment

Raising Arizona (guest)

MOVIE:  Raising Arizona

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Ex-con husband and infertile wife can’t have kids, can’t adopt, so they kidnap 1/5 of a local businessman’s brood, only to be pursued by a biker bounty hunter, while dealing with a couple of escaped con bank robbers as houseguests, a wife-swapping employer and his know-it-all wife, all accompanied by some damn fine yodeling.

GOOD THINGS:  Coen brothers’ writing and directing at their finest. Nicholas Cage’s narration, dumbass cops, dumbass crooks, dumbass victims, dumbass bystanders. John Goodman and William Forsythe as a couple of REALLY dumbass crooks. Did I mention the yodeling?

BAD THINGS:  Not enough yodeling.

FEATURES:  Longest introductory sequence before opening credits in film history, Randall “Tex” Cobb as a biker (what a stretch), characters so dumb the state of Arizona should sue for defamation.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Cage being dragged across the pavement behind Cobb’s hog.

NOTABLE:  Holly Hunter probably the only one in movie NOT faking her accent. Movie served as inspiration for my online pseudonym. Can anyone tell me the significance of H.I. McDonough and Leonard Smalls having the same tattoo?

BEST PART:  Goodman and Forsythe REPEATEDLY leaving their third bank robbing partner behind.

BEST LINE:  Only one? I’ve had entire conversations made up of lines from this movie! Here’s a few of the more memorable ones:  Boy, you got a panty on yer head.  You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick!  Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard.  I don’t know… jammies!  They had Yodas and shit on them!  Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

January 10, 2010 at 10:50 pm 1 comment

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