Posts filed under ‘Nathan Arizona’

Gross Pointe Blank (guest)

MOVIE: Grosse Pointe Blank

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Professional killer Martin Blank goes on a job in Detroit, takes a side trip to his high school reunion, and hilarity and bloodshed ensues.

GOOD THINGS: Killer ’80s music, succesfully blends genres of romance, comedy, and action — in fact, it’s probably got the highest body count of any film that can be considered a “date movie.”

BAD THINGS: None that I could find

FEATURES: John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Dan Akroyd, Jeremy Piven, Cusack’s sisters Joan and Ann, Alan Arkin

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: None, unless you’re bothered by the amorality of killing people for money.

NOTABLE: Even though you can’t hit a damn thing by firing two handguns at one time, it still looks freakin’ cool in a movie. (Hey two-fisted gunplay is my life! – ed.)

BEST PART: Cusack and Piven disposing of a body to the music of Nena’s “99 Luftballons.”

BEST LINE: Thanks for the pen.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 12:51 pm Leave a comment

From Hell (guest)

MOVIE: From Hell

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: A Hughes Bros. film about violence, pimps, prostitutes, and drugs. Only instead of being set in South Central L.A., it’s set in 1880s in Whitechapel London. Oh yeah, and Jack the Ripper is on the loose.

GOOD THINGS: Robbie Coltrane, Heather Graham, dark and moody and I’ve always been a Jack the Ripper-phile anyway.

BAD THINGS: English teeth, brutal violence, and Johnny Depp’s English accent seems just a tad forced. F

EATURES: Conspiracy theories, 19th-century lobotomies, the Elephant Man, Queen Victoria, Freemason initiation rituals

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Jack’s last murder, hookers with bad teeth

NOTABLE: Heather Graham plays a prostitute, and somehow where supposed to believe she can’t raise the one lousy pound a week it takes to keep her pimp happy. Not to mention not that many hookers in Whitechapel in the 1880s could have had pefect hair, perfect teeth, etc.

BEST PART: Never has the cliché of the young, inexperienced police guy vomiting when he sees a dead body been so funny.

BEST LINE: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

January 13, 2010 at 12:08 am Leave a comment

Blade II (guest)

MOVIE: Blade II

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Shaft! Only more bad-assed!

GOOD THINGS: Wesley Snipes, Leonor Varela, lots of asskicking, and gory gross vampires that are so mean, they even eat other vampires.(!)

BAD THINGS: Blade’s hip hop, wisecracking, weapons-expert sidekick. Insufficient explanation for resurrecting Kris Kristofferson’s character from the first movie (am I asking too much of a movie based on a comic book?). But at least his wisecracking, weapons-expert character is better than the guy mentioned above.

FEATURES: Bloodsucking, neckchomping, eviscerating… disintegrations, explosions, decapitations, even trepannation! Veteran character actor Ron Perlman, Wesley Snipes being an all-around badass muthaf– (Shut yo’ mouth!) But I’m just talkin’ ’bout Blade! We can dig it!

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: There was some weird shit going on at the vampire safe house/disco. Yikes!

NOTABLE: All the people in the theater who brought their kids to the film. Not teenagers, either – I’m talking kids under 6. HELLO? The movie is rated R for a reason. Christ!

BEST PART: All the fight scenes, and the part where you see why the Reapers have the same scar on their chins. (Another reason not to bring SIX YEAR OLDS to the film.)

BEST LINE: I was just beginning to like him!

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 12, 2010 at 11:11 pm Leave a comment

Raising Arizona (guest)

MOVIE:  Raising Arizona

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  Ex-con husband and infertile wife can’t have kids, can’t adopt, so they kidnap 1/5 of a local businessman’s brood, only to be pursued by a biker bounty hunter, while dealing with a couple of escaped con bank robbers as houseguests, a wife-swapping employer and his know-it-all wife, all accompanied by some damn fine yodeling.

GOOD THINGS:  Coen brothers’ writing and directing at their finest. Nicholas Cage’s narration, dumbass cops, dumbass crooks, dumbass victims, dumbass bystanders. John Goodman and William Forsythe as a couple of REALLY dumbass crooks. Did I mention the yodeling?

BAD THINGS:  Not enough yodeling.

FEATURES:  Longest introductory sequence before opening credits in film history, Randall “Tex” Cobb as a biker (what a stretch), characters so dumb the state of Arizona should sue for defamation.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Cage being dragged across the pavement behind Cobb’s hog.

NOTABLE:  Holly Hunter probably the only one in movie NOT faking her accent. Movie served as inspiration for my online pseudonym. Can anyone tell me the significance of H.I. McDonough and Leonard Smalls having the same tattoo?

BEST PART:  Goodman and Forsythe REPEATEDLY leaving their third bank robbing partner behind.

BEST LINE:  Only one? I’ve had entire conversations made up of lines from this movie! Here’s a few of the more memorable ones:  Boy, you got a panty on yer head.  You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick!  Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard.  I don’t know… jammies!  They had Yodas and shit on them!  Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

CROWNS:  5 out of 5

January 10, 2010 at 10:50 pm 1 comment

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (guest)

MOVIE: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: It’s all Jar Jar’s fault.

GOOD THINGS: Natalie Portman’s bare midriff. Lightsabers. Christopher Lee. Ewan McGregor’s ability to channel Alec Guinness. Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest-assed mofo in the galaxy. The speeder chase through Coruscant, Obi-Wan playing detective, the gladiatorial arena, and the final battle scene.

BAD THINGS: Ewan McGregor’s Jedi Mullet. A lot of the acting, which I think is due to George Lucas’ inability to say, “Okay, let’s do that scene again, and this time, read your lines with some feeling, okay?” And would it kill him to build a set or cast some actors to wear the Clone Trooper suits, instead of using CGI for everything?

FEATURES: A massacre of Sand People. Yoda showing us why he’s a Jedi master. A scene that feels like a live action sequence of “Super Mario Bros” (the video game, not the movie with Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo).

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: The so-called “love story” with Padme and Anakin.

NOTABLE: Why doesn’t C3PO remember the Tattooine moisture farm when he returns there in the original Star Wars? I’m sure everyone asks this question… (Yeah and what about Owen Lars not remembering? – ED.)

BEST PART: Mace Windu gettin’ medieval on Jango Fett. Who’s the black Jedi Knight who’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Mace Windu! You’re DAMN right…

BEST LINE: This party’s over.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5, duh, it’s Star Wars…

January 10, 2010 at 10:13 pm Leave a comment

Undercover Brother (guest)

MOVIE: Undercover Brother

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: Austin Powers in ‘da Hood

GOOD THINGS: Dave Chappelle, superfly fashion sense, Denise Richards in the shower

BAD THINGS: Is there some stereotype about white people loving mayonnaise, or black people hating mayonnaise? That whole motif fell flat with me.

FEATURES: Chris Kattan, Billy Dee Williams, “Doogie Howser,” James Brown, flying afro-picks, platform shoes and some damn-good-lookin’ threads.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Overuse of mayonnaise

NOTABLE: Dave Chappelle turns in yet another show-stealing supporting performance. How long until he gets to carry a film on his own, instead of appearing in crap like “Half Baked”?

BEST PART: The soundtrack!

BEST LINE: Shit! It’s Macy Gray with porkchop sideburns!

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

January 10, 2010 at 9:36 pm Leave a comment

Austin Powers in Goldmember (guest)

MOVIE: Austin Powers in Goldmember

GUEST: Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL: The super-spy with super-bad teeth is back and everyone is dealing with father issues.

GOOD THINGS: Clever use of subtitles, cameo-palooza (I’m not going to ruin the surprise by saying who), sharks with friggin’ laser beams!

BAD THINGS: Fat Bastard’s gastrointestinal problems, not enough of Michael Caine and Robert Wagner

FEATURES: Time travel, some blaxploitation, roller disco, combover

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: The hamper at the sumo wrestlers’ dojo

NOTABLE: This movie must have some kind of record for product placement.

BEST PART: The opening sequence… until the stupid projectionist fucked it all up.

BEST LINE: HEY ASSHOLE!

CROWNS: 3 1/2 out of 5

January 10, 2010 at 8:56 pm Leave a comment

200 Cigarettes (guest)

MOVIE:  200 Cigarettes

GUEST:  Nathan Arizona

NUTSHELL:  It’s December 31, 1981 in Manhattan and a bunch of people are trying desperately to hook up for New Year’s Eve.

GOOD THINGS:  Dialogue, excellent ’80s soundtrack, Elvis Costello cameo, random drag queen that for some reason just strikes me as funny

BAD THINGS:  Bathroom stall sex, vindictive ex-girlfriends

FEATURES:  Janeane Garafolo, Courtney Love, Christina Ricci, Martha Plimpton, Dave Chappelle, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Jay Mohr, Kate Hudson, Paul Rudd, Angela Featherstone, Nicole Ari Parker, Gaby Hoffman, Guillermo Diaz (I just like saying “Guillermo”)

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Martha Plimpton licking Elvis Costello’s glasses, Kate Hudson with dog shit smeared on her back.

NOTABLE:  With Grosse Pointe Blank and The Wedding Singer, makes sort of an unofficial trilogy of late ’90s releases that have ’80s themes.

BEST PART:  Jay Mohr waking up to realize he’s de-flowered a high-school girl; Dave Chappelle’s narration of the Polaroid montage at the end.

BEST LINE:  These matches are disappointing me!

CROWNS:  4 out of 5

January 9, 2010 at 11:04 pm Leave a comment

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