Posts filed under ‘Classic’

7th Heaven

MOVIE: 7th Heaven

NUTSHELL: Gripping 1927 potboiler set in France about an abused, destitute sister who is rescued from the gutter (literally!) by a sewer worker promoted to street washer. Eventually they grow on each other and decide to get married but -oops- it turns out there’s a war on.

GOOD THINGS: Petite flower giver goddess Janet Gaynor and the very large Charles Farrell and his FABULOUS HEAD OF HAIR! I know I will be beaten about the head and neck for this… but I liked the story and characters. I thought it really held up. (For me. Don’t hit or yell!)

BAD THINGS: Sudden tangent into a World War I drama, increasingly unbelieveable plot turns. I was okay when he got promoted to street washer and I was okay when there was suddenly the Hun marching through Paris but when he suddenly is dead, then not dead, then blind but with great sonar and able to navigate the mobbed streets of Paris unerringly, then not blind because of.. I don’t know why… then I had to say, “Hey, that’s just no good!” (Not literally out loud but in my head I said that. Uh huh.)

FEATURES: Absinthe procurement and addiction, old car named Eloise (oh the hilarity!), Ben Bard, a lusty Colonel, munitions babes, snooty relatives, BDSM, David Butler, bread, knives, sewing, religious medals, UNCENSORED XXX UPSKIRT PICS! Yeah I know you think i’m kidding.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Well the whipping parts and the gutter lounging. I was sort of nagged by that after she had been lying there for a half an hour.

NOTABLE: Astonishing 7 story crane shot that makes the Hughes Brothers look like technologically retarded amateurs.

BEST PART: Realizing that the plot device of menfolk hiding the existence of World War I from women was apparently a staple of silent cinema.

BEST LINE: That’s why I’m an atheist. God owes me ten francs!

CROWNS: 4 out of 5

January 9, 2010 at 11:14 pm Leave a comment

7th Heaven (guest)

MOVIE:  7th Heaven

GUEST:  Scot West

NUTSHELL:  An egotistical freelance sewer worker who spends his days hauling piss-soaked rags out of the effluvia with a stick meets a self-critical guttersnipe who whores around and gets regularly whipped with a quirt by her Femdom, absinthe-addict sister. Co-dependency, crane shots, blindness, and World War I ensues.

GOOD THINGS:  Freaking unbelievable seven-story crane shot. Janet Gaynor stripping down to her unmentionables. Discovery Channel-like documentary segments on the elaborate pressure-washing equipment used by fin de siecle Parisian streetsweepers to hose rubbish, horse dung, and Janet Gaynor out of the gutter.

BAD THINGS:  The guy playing “Rat,” who perfectly filled the niche of Early Twentieth Century John Leguizamo, which I’m not convinced is a niche that really demanded to be filled. The way the wistful little love story about two of life’s downtrodden suddenly stopped cold so the director could shoehorn in a four-reel-long recreation of the Battle of the Marne, complete with massive artillery, miles of trenches, thousands of extras, and a bunch of Matchbox cars. The way the hero promises to die, then reneges, then goes blind, then suddenly turns into Daredevil, the Man Without Fear, able to navigate his way at high speed through the massive Armistice Day crowds thronging the twisting backstreets of Paris with the unerring instinct of a bat.

FEATURES:  Janet Gaynor, Charles Farrell, women choking and whipping each other, cohabitation without benefit of clergy, sunken-eyed blondes with a jones for absinthe, the Western Front, characters dunked in the sewer and showered with the contents of chamberpots, the maiming of various sanitation workers, and (per Laura) “the hero’s frightening Kramer hair.”

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  Well, it’s over two hours long, and I saw it at the Silent Movie Theater, so after the first hour or so I was pretty much constantly uncomfortable, but I think that was due less to the content of the film, and more to an increasing lividity in the nether regions. Although I was kind of disturbed by the one part when the Huns are marching on Paris, and the hero’s friend confesses that he’s been keeping the fact there’s a World War on from his wife.

NOTABLE:  This movie amazingly predicted the whole Internet porn thing, since the first five minutes contained virtually every fetish on Persian Kitty: upskirt shots, voyeurs, Femdom, BDSM, drunken sluts, golden showers (the chamberpot thing), small-breasted petites, whores, erotic asphyixia, etc.

BEST PART:  When Janet’s sister chokes her out and she lays unconscious in the gutter for half an hour while nearby freelance sewer workers complain that her incontinence is putting them off their feed.

BEST LINE:  Nothing can keep Chico blind for long!

CROWNS:  3 out of 5

January 9, 2010 at 11:13 pm Leave a comment

400 Blows

MOVIE: The 400 Blows

NUTSHELL: Truffaut’s masterpiece about a barely parented Parisian 14 year old who stumbles his way over middle class hypocrisy on his way to the seashore.

GOOD THINGS: Jean-Pierre Léaud – was there ever a more talented kid actor?, Claire Maurier, Albert Rémy, Guy Decomble, Patrick Auffray, stellar cast across the board and the design, score, script and cinematography – ooh la la!

BAD THINGS: Well it’s so well-observed and accurate, that it makes you cringe sometimes.

FEATURES: Paris, horses, milk, satchels, eyelash curlers, bread, ink and typewriters

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Caged toddlers, child abuse and snitches, none are ever easy to watch.

NOTABLE: I know I went on and on about the Ghostworld logline but check out this one: “Angel faces hell-bent for violence.”

BEST PART: The dwindling gym class

BEST LINE: Maybe it’s glandular.

CROWNS: 5 out of 5

January 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm Leave a comment

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