May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am Leave a comment

MOVIE:  Eragon

NUTSHELL:  Dragon movie + Directed by a visual effects guy x Book written by a teenaged boy = Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

GOOD THINGS:  I was 20 minutes late to this movie and only saw it because I had to kill time and the only alternatives were seeing Rocky Balboa or staring into space for two hours.

BAD THINGS:  Scandalously rampant scenery chewing by all involved except for the 18-year-old lead actor (with the acting chops of an 11-year-old Rupert Grint) who is unable to do anything except intermittently make big eyes.

FEATURES:  Begbie as the evil sorcerer!, John Malkovich as King Bellatrix (can that be right?), Djimon Hounsou, female dragon who is voiced in a manner that brings to mind Upstairs, Downstairs rather than… oh… say, a dragon movie?

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  The ticket sellers tried to talk me out of going into the movie late but I assured them that I knew there was something about an egg that won’t hatch unless the rider’s there, etc. Then they only had a golf pencil or that marker that verifies $50 bills fo

NOTABLE:  There’s apparently a location in the world of Eragon called Eve Arden that the characters spend most of the movie trying to get to. More importantly, they talk about getting to Eve Arden the rest of the time which is funnier than you can imagine.

BEST PART:  There is a shot of the dragon in fancy armor that makes her look like a demented beagle in a cloche hat and this made me laugh several times during the movie and for at least a week afterwards.

BEST LINE:  First you must learn the ancient language of the elves!

CROWNS:  1 out of 5

Entry filed under: Firebaton review.

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