January 10, 2010 at 9:29 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE: Windtalkers

NUTSHELL: Supposedly about Navajo recruited by the Army during World War II after a code was developed using their native language to help ensure victory in the Pacific Theater but really just a terrible, terrible movie that denigrates into Christian Slater playing the harmonica and that’s the good part.

GOOD THINGS: Adam Beach and perhaps the love of my life after Owen Wilson – Brian Van Holt

BAD THINGS: Where do I begin? Peter Stormare as a Sergeant with an oddly pronounced Swedish accent which is glossed over by making him from Minnesota or something. Does that explain why he rides around in a jeep smoking a pipe? Well now that you mention it – no. This is one of those movies that has one of those scripts where you know all the people you like will be offed and one of the leads too and you just have to wait around and not get attached to them which would be hard to do anyway because they are so annoying except for Brian Van Holt who is so likeable that I just knew he’d be decapitated or something else really bad. Christian Slater plays the harmonica in this. Did I already mention that? I like Christian Slater and he is really trying to stretch I think but he’s a Sergeant in this and a Marine and you are just getting used to that and pretending to yourself, talking yourself into it “Okay he’s a Marine Sergeant.” and then he starts playing the harmonica. And it’s not just one scene where they’re around the campfire and everyone’s being very “army” and doing shit like playing the harmonica but it’s in like A LOT of scenes. He’s a veritable harmonica-playing MACHINE. Then there’s the “crazy racist guy who gets his comeuppance when a person of color who he was bugging saves his life and stuff” and he has an epiphany and goes “wow ” and everyone goes “aaawww” but in this movie it was more like – aaaaaahhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiieeee oh my GOD when is this going to end? “Crazy racist guy” is played by the always creepy Noah Emmerich and there’s also the “homeboy guy” which is a shamelessly wasted Mark Ruffalo and I think there’s the “scared guy who gets brave and then dies anyway” but I can’t remember. I might be thinking of an episode of “Soldier of Fortune.” There’s also a girl in here for just no reason at all – a wasted Frances O’Connor and absolutely the most horrifying depiction of Japanese ever. This movie is like those old Bugs Bunny cartoons that are too offensive to play anymore… times 100!

FEATURES: Nicolas Cage and it bugs me that he has to spell his name funky so I have to look it up every time.

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: When the teenaged boys in the audience kept running in and out of the theater – that was when I knew this was a bad, bad war movie.

NOTABLE: Perhaps a Chinese Christian is not the best person to direct a film depicting the Japanese during World War II.

BEST PART: More bad things I just thought of: the two main white leads are named Enders and Anderson which was annoying because everyone kept saying Anders so you were always confused if they were talking about Cage or Harmonica Man. Also I swear twice during combat scenes someone stands up while they’re under fire and yells “YOU SONS OF BITCHES!” at the Japanese. In another scene they’re under heavy fire and someone yells, “WE’VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” like they are in a Friday the 13th movie or something. Then they get in a big argument about honor while everyone is getting blown to hell around them. I mean come on. Okay I’m so tense I’m getting a headache now.

BEST LINE: Is it English? It sounds like they’re talking under water.

CROWNS: 1 out of 5

Entry filed under: Firebaton review, Owen Wilson.

Dreamgirls Waiting for Guffman (guest)

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