Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

January 10, 2010 at 10:19 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE:  Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

NUTSHELL:  It’s 10 years later (sorry, Jar Jar’s still alive) and there’s some power struggle going on in the galaxy which there always is but it’s pre-Empire and it has something to do with the Dark Side and there’s a secret clone army but also a secret droid army and during this Padme and Anakin are doing this sort of May/August Edith Wharton romance in which they alternately argue about how they can’t ever be together and make unconvincing cow eyes at each other. Plus the Jedis are chatting about everything that’s going on and going to the library and teaching Jedi for Tots classes and Obi-Wan is searching the galaxy for a bounty hunter trying to kill Senator Amidala and he has a mullet. Anakin keeps having dreams about Mother Skywalker and goes to rescue her like a few weeks later (because he was really busy with the cow eyes before that) and well.. that ends badly but the main thing is that Padme comforts him and is supportive when she should just say, honey if you are going to go around killing entire villages, maybe the whole Jedi thing is not going to work out for you. Then there’s a bunch of battles and you sort of go “Yay!” but then you also sort of go, “der…. hey!”

GOOD THINGS:  The stunning Natalie Portman running around in galactic crop tops like Senator Britney. Ewan McGregor looking muffiny and actually leaving the spaceship this time. Yoda, Mace “Samuel L. Jackson” Windu, Ian McDiarmid as Creepy Guy and Pernilla August as Ma Skywalker.

BAD THINGS:  Really bad acting. In fact, burst-out-laughing-annoying-the-theatergoers-around-you acting. That awful cold, numbing, overdone cgi like in Spider-Man. Gladiator rip-off. Plot holes that kept stopping me in my tracks. Decapitation in front of kid bummed me out. Also, I know I’ll be called a spacist but that species with tubes on their heads FREAKS ME OUT! Last but not least – two words: Jar Jar.

FEATURES:  Death sticks, sort of a lot of sitting around chatting, more Amidala dopplegangers (she must go through ladies in waiting like Kleenex), multi-species Jedi, big beasty things, Jimmy Smits dressed like Sir Walter Raleigh (sorry, no idea), Tuskan Raiders, more droid madness, a baby Boba, more Jedi rattails, the most stomach churning romance since Mike Tyson and Robin Givens

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS:  A lot of acting cringes here (too much blue screen or just directing energy placed elsewhere?) and those snakelip aliens freaked me out. Plus there’s like an hour of exposition at the beginning that is like Canadian Parliament on C-SPAN only not as funny.

NOTABLE:  I haven’t had to suppress laughter in a movie this much since “Batman and Robin.”

BEST PART:  Obi-Wan out of the house and kicking ass (sort of) around the galaxy. Come to think of it after all this mess you can see why he ended up living alone in the desert.

BEST LINE:  Hello Boba, is your father home?

CROWNS:  3 or 4 out of 5 – I’m torn. It IS Star Wars, you know.

Entry filed under: Firebaton review.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (guest) Spy Kids (guest)

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