All the Pretty Horses (guest)

January 9, 2010 at 11:25 pm Leave a comment

MOVIE: All the Pretty Horses


NUTSHELL: Matt Damon loves the West, horses and Penelope Cruz. They’re all so pretty, life’s unfair and Matty can’t have any of ’em.

GOOD THINGS: Penelope Cruz, cinematography, that little kid from Sling Blade all grown up

BAD THINGS: A good book, an awful adaptation… lots of beautiful, but completely unnecessary slow, long shots of vistas and horses (we get it – it’s called “All the Pretty Horses” – a couple of these would suffice)… at the same time, the movie was completely rushed – this is one instance where I’d probably like the super-long version better (OK, maybe not the 4-hour cut Billy Bob initially brought in to Miramax, but… more Penelope please).

FEATURES: Henry Thomas, Ruben Blades, Bruce Dern, Sam (sigh!) Shepard

UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS: Matty getting shanked in jail, one of our leads being sent to his death, Penelope crying (but she still looks so damn gorgeous), the thought that at any moment, Billy Bob was gonna appear onscreen with Angelina and start making out. (Shanked?! – Ed.)

NOTABLE: That kid from Sling Blade. Man! What is he, like, 15? He’s amazing! Why the hell isn’t this kid in more movies? Lucas Black, where art thou?

BEST PART: OK, I am about as heterosexual as they come, but I have to make a confession… I am in LOVE with Penelope Cruz. I mean, really in LUV. I can’t get enough of her. If I were 14 I’d probably have pictures of her up on my wall. To make matters worse, I briefly met her at the Dogma premiere in NY way back when and she was absolutely the nicest girl you could ever meet. And for god’s sake, she did hands-on work with Mother Teresa in Calcutta or something! She’s a god damn angel! OK, so she hasn’t had the chance to really do much acting in this or any of her other American films, but trust me, she is a great actress. Rent Abre Los Ojos or Jamon Jamon – you’ll see… You know, she’s so pretty I’m actually considering sitting through Nick Cage’s terrible Italian accent in that Captain Correlli movie just so I can see her. The crush factor is that bad. I have to say though, I hope the Tom Cruise thing passes quickly so I can forever block it out of my memory. He is so uncool and weird and bizarre I can’t even take the thought of her having “liaisons” with him (he’s gonna try to convert you Penelope! Stay away! Scientology = bad!). I mean, Nicole Kidman seems so normal now that they’re not together. So please Penelope, for the love of God, your country, the late Mother Teresa and the millions of starving children in the world that you give so much to, please dump Tom Cruise! Your Catholic bretheren would be proud.

BEST LINE: OK, I confess… I saw this movie AGES ago, so I can’t really remember a specific line from it. I was gonna look in the book and cheat, but then someone might call me on it and say, Hey, that line wasn’t in the movie! And I’d look like a big old idiot. But honestly, the dialog wasn’t the thing that you remember about this flick. You remember 2 things: how pretty Penelope looks and how big Matt Damon’s chin is.

CROWNS: 2 of 5 for the flick; 5 of 5 for how beautiful Penelope is

Entry filed under: Guest Review, XGirl.

About Schmidt (guest) Almost Famous

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